Today I had my very last round of chemo! That is the end, there is no more. Merry Christmas. I couldn't ask for a better present. And even better... they are letting me take out this port I've been sporting for the past 5 months. I am ready to be rid of it. It's just uncomfortable.
Next up on my list, I start radiation in 3 weeks, and that should last for 6 1/2 weeks. 3 months after my last radiation, I go in to start the completion of my reconstructive surgeries. I should have one in May/June and the other toward the end of the summer or the beginning of fall. I also get to start taking Tamoxifen, which is a pill that I will be on for the next 5 years. Let's just hope I do well on it. I've heard bad things.
I am so exited that this is coming to an end. I do know that the question that will be in the back of my mind for the rest of my life will be, "Is this cancer going to come back?".
Earlier this month, Elizabeth Edwards passed away from breast cancer. She struggled with it for 5 year. Hers was worse than mine, Stage IV, but still just knowing that it was the cancer that killed her. I see all the survivors and talk to them all the time, so it's hard to take in the fact that there are people who die from this mess. And not just people in movies. Everyone in movies who get diagnosed with any type of cancer, die at the end. The only exception is if they are actors in soap operas. Those people seem to get cured within months, so I just don't understand that...
Anyway, back to what I was saying... Cancer is a strange monster. The day Elizabeth Edwards died, my co-worker's best friend passed too. She had stage III. She had just had her mastectomy a month earlier and had just had her first chemo treatment. She was a healthy woman of spirit and body, but the chemo was too much for her to handle. It caused her to have a heart attack and a stroke, and she passed. Wow! It is so hard to hear stories like that. They have come a long way with everything. Why can't they keep something like that from happening? It blows my mind.
Well, on a not so sad note, I am going to be starting this new year not having to worry about chemo drugs causing me pain, a full head of hair, a thinner waist line once all the steroids are out of my system, and hopefully no more menopausal symptoms. It will be a great new year. 2010 will be behind me, but one I will never forget. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
A New Word Added to My Vocabulary
Lymphedema. It's a condition that causes swelling in your arm that was affected by the taking out of the lyphnodes. This was one thing I was trying so hard to avoid. I was doing a good job until an unfortunate accident with a pair of scissors a few weeks ago. I cut my cuticle, and it's been down hill ever since.
After having surgery they stressed that you need to be super careful not to cut, burn, or get insect bites on the arm of the side they took everything out of. I now know why. My arm is swollen and I can barely move it without pain. Of course when I think it starts doing better, I have a dog who decides to bite me, and it all starts over again.
I have to start going to therapy where someone will be massaging me arm for an hour a visit. I am looking forward to the pampering. I start next week and I am excited.
Another thing I am supposed to be watching for is lifting over 30 pounds on one side. I have 2 young kids. Do you know how difficult it is not to lift two kids? Especially when I take them grocery shopping with me. Almost impossible. These rules were not made for mothers with kids under 5.
After having surgery they stressed that you need to be super careful not to cut, burn, or get insect bites on the arm of the side they took everything out of. I now know why. My arm is swollen and I can barely move it without pain. Of course when I think it starts doing better, I have a dog who decides to bite me, and it all starts over again.
I have to start going to therapy where someone will be massaging me arm for an hour a visit. I am looking forward to the pampering. I start next week and I am excited.
Another thing I am supposed to be watching for is lifting over 30 pounds on one side. I have 2 young kids. Do you know how difficult it is not to lift two kids? Especially when I take them grocery shopping with me. Almost impossible. These rules were not made for mothers with kids under 5.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Just What the Doctor Ordered
The doctors told me that it would be a good idea if I went on a trip. They told me to do something I enjoy doing and go some place I like going to. They said it would take my mind off being sick, and it would be good for me. They were absolutely right!
About a year ago I started planing for our annual trip to Disney World. Originally our trip was planed for early August. It was paid for and for months we were doing the little things to get ready for the trip. When I found out I was sick, the downward spiral started and my summer was ruined. I didn't realize at the time how wonderful it would be going at a later date.
So, August would have been hot, hot, hot, but November was fantastic! From the moment we boarded the plane, I forgot about being sick. I was no longer tired, worried about my wig, or worried about making sure I was taking all my medicines. I was just excited that I was able to go on my vacation and with no restrictions.
The weather was wonderful. Not once was I worried about being too hot. Crowds were low, so I didn't worry about too many people being around me. I had my hand sanitizer just in case, but other than that, I didn't have to do anything to keep the germs away.
Before getting there, I had thought about all the walking and was afraid I would have to rent a wheelchair for the duration of my stay, but not at all. I had so much energy! I was walking miles with no problem. My mind was clear, I was having fun, and the only thing on my mind was how we were going to make it home with all the souvenirs.
Now, I didn't have a wheelchair, but I did get a special pass. This helped me skip lines just in case they were too long. Very few were.
We rode every ride. Again... no restrictions! I will suggest to anyone that finds themselves sick to take a vacation to the happiest place on Earth, or anywhere else. it is so worth it. You feel so free.
Something that was pretty awesome was all the women who approached me while I was in Florida (all I wore on my head was a baseball cap with a pink ribbon stitched on it). Some had such inspirational stories. These women give me hope. A lot of them would get tears in their eyes just looking at me. I met women that were 2 year survivors all the way to 11 years. So many healthy women, so many stories, so many smiles and congratulations. They all thought it was wonderful that I was there and having fun. And fun I did have!
One lady that I will not forget is the flight attendant and the plane ride back. I didn't catch her name, but she is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. Our plane was not full, so she cleared off a row for me and asked me to lay down across the seats for a nap. She then covered me up and even asked Mike if I had eaten because if I had not, she was going to bring me dinner from first class. She and Mike talked for a little bit while I slept. When the pilot told everyone to fasten their seat belts, I returned to my seat, but on the way, I was stopped by the flight attendant and given a huge hug. she and I talked for a few more minutes and I could tell she was fighting back tears. I will never forget her. I have met so many wonderful people, but she will always sick out in my mind. I love American Airlines and I love Disney!
About a year ago I started planing for our annual trip to Disney World. Originally our trip was planed for early August. It was paid for and for months we were doing the little things to get ready for the trip. When I found out I was sick, the downward spiral started and my summer was ruined. I didn't realize at the time how wonderful it would be going at a later date.
So, August would have been hot, hot, hot, but November was fantastic! From the moment we boarded the plane, I forgot about being sick. I was no longer tired, worried about my wig, or worried about making sure I was taking all my medicines. I was just excited that I was able to go on my vacation and with no restrictions.
The weather was wonderful. Not once was I worried about being too hot. Crowds were low, so I didn't worry about too many people being around me. I had my hand sanitizer just in case, but other than that, I didn't have to do anything to keep the germs away.
Before getting there, I had thought about all the walking and was afraid I would have to rent a wheelchair for the duration of my stay, but not at all. I had so much energy! I was walking miles with no problem. My mind was clear, I was having fun, and the only thing on my mind was how we were going to make it home with all the souvenirs.
Now, I didn't have a wheelchair, but I did get a special pass. This helped me skip lines just in case they were too long. Very few were.
We rode every ride. Again... no restrictions! I will suggest to anyone that finds themselves sick to take a vacation to the happiest place on Earth, or anywhere else. it is so worth it. You feel so free.
Something that was pretty awesome was all the women who approached me while I was in Florida (all I wore on my head was a baseball cap with a pink ribbon stitched on it). Some had such inspirational stories. These women give me hope. A lot of them would get tears in their eyes just looking at me. I met women that were 2 year survivors all the way to 11 years. So many healthy women, so many stories, so many smiles and congratulations. They all thought it was wonderful that I was there and having fun. And fun I did have!
One lady that I will not forget is the flight attendant and the plane ride back. I didn't catch her name, but she is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. Our plane was not full, so she cleared off a row for me and asked me to lay down across the seats for a nap. She then covered me up and even asked Mike if I had eaten because if I had not, she was going to bring me dinner from first class. She and Mike talked for a little bit while I slept. When the pilot told everyone to fasten their seat belts, I returned to my seat, but on the way, I was stopped by the flight attendant and given a huge hug. she and I talked for a few more minutes and I could tell she was fighting back tears. I will never forget her. I have met so many wonderful people, but she will always sick out in my mind. I love American Airlines and I love Disney!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Bring It On!
Well, the new treatment went off without a hitch. I started Taxol last Thursday. I was very anxious to get this started because I had read so many scary stories about it. Everything from excruciating pain to finger nails coming off. Believe me, I was not looking forward to this.
Thursday came and I was thinking of different things to ask the doctor, so I didn't turn into one of those people I had been reading about. I didn't want my nails coming off and I certainly didn't want to be laid up in bed for weeks at a time because of the awful pain. When I brought my concerns up to my doctor, he thought I was a total loon. He told me to take the vitamin B6 and the Glutamine powder like his nurse had suggested. He said this would help with any tingling I should have. I could care less about tingling. I wanted to know about pain! He then told me anything I already had for pain should work just fine. So, there it was. He wasn't concerned, so neither was I.
When I went back to the treatment room I got comfortable and relaxed. They did all the normal stuff to me, but this time adding Benedryl to the mix of medicine they were putting in my veins. Mike and I watched TV, ate some lunch, and waited. It took about 3 1/2 hours or so for the IV of chemo to empty. Then we were off.
Normally when I come home from a treatment I am tired and a little ill. Not this time. No, I felt like normal. I felt like it was any other day. I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't. I tried to be lazy and rest, but I didn't need it. I felt fine.
The following day I took off work as normal. I use it as a recoup day. I wanted to rest and take naps like I was used to, but my body didn't care. It wanted to be up. I started to feel like I needed to go to work or give myself something to do, but I made myself give in and just laid around. When the afternoon came, I went back to the oncology office to get my post chemo and flu shots. After that, it was back to the house to twiddle my thumbs.
I guess it was Sunday when I started noticing a change. I started feeling it in my knees and in my ankles. My doctor had told me that any pain I may have will take 2-3 days to hit. I was expecting back and shoulder pain, but not knee pain. It was tolerable, but annoying. I was taken back to high school and running. It felt the same as if I had been running on concrete for miles, with shin splints and sprang ankles. Again, not too terrible, but very annoying. At times, I felt like I had lost the ability to walk.
I soaked my legs in a hot bath and Mike rubbed them for me. This worked. I felt so much better, but then the pain was especially bad at night. I kept stretching out my legs, but I couldn't sleep.
This went on for a few days. It's gone now, but now my fingers are starting to tingle. I had stopped the Glutamine powder because I wanted to see if there was a difference. Until now, I hadn't seen one... also, that stuff is nasty. I mixed with orange juice. It's bad enough to make me never want to drink orange juice again.
I've also been put on an anti-depressant. No, I am not depressed, I have real bad night sweats or hot flashes. So bad that I will wake up in a pool of water. If I cover up I am too hot, I uncover and I get too cold from being wet. It makes for very restless nights. so, going on a week of no sleep, I finally asked what can be done. They had already told me to stop caffeine, chocolate and spicy foods, but that was not working. So, they gave me an anti depressant. They told me it helps most women with their hot flashes and they wanted me to try it. Good news? It takes a month for it to work. Better news? It's addicting and when they are ready for me to get off it, I have to be weened.
So, only 3 more treatments. Then no more chemo and no more silly addicting pill that is not at all helping me right now. I will be spending the next post chemo week in Florida! Hopefully the pain isn't any worse than this time. I would like to enjoy my Mickey Mouse time.
Thursday came and I was thinking of different things to ask the doctor, so I didn't turn into one of those people I had been reading about. I didn't want my nails coming off and I certainly didn't want to be laid up in bed for weeks at a time because of the awful pain. When I brought my concerns up to my doctor, he thought I was a total loon. He told me to take the vitamin B6 and the Glutamine powder like his nurse had suggested. He said this would help with any tingling I should have. I could care less about tingling. I wanted to know about pain! He then told me anything I already had for pain should work just fine. So, there it was. He wasn't concerned, so neither was I.
When I went back to the treatment room I got comfortable and relaxed. They did all the normal stuff to me, but this time adding Benedryl to the mix of medicine they were putting in my veins. Mike and I watched TV, ate some lunch, and waited. It took about 3 1/2 hours or so for the IV of chemo to empty. Then we were off.
Normally when I come home from a treatment I am tired and a little ill. Not this time. No, I felt like normal. I felt like it was any other day. I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't. I tried to be lazy and rest, but I didn't need it. I felt fine.
The following day I took off work as normal. I use it as a recoup day. I wanted to rest and take naps like I was used to, but my body didn't care. It wanted to be up. I started to feel like I needed to go to work or give myself something to do, but I made myself give in and just laid around. When the afternoon came, I went back to the oncology office to get my post chemo and flu shots. After that, it was back to the house to twiddle my thumbs.
I guess it was Sunday when I started noticing a change. I started feeling it in my knees and in my ankles. My doctor had told me that any pain I may have will take 2-3 days to hit. I was expecting back and shoulder pain, but not knee pain. It was tolerable, but annoying. I was taken back to high school and running. It felt the same as if I had been running on concrete for miles, with shin splints and sprang ankles. Again, not too terrible, but very annoying. At times, I felt like I had lost the ability to walk.
I soaked my legs in a hot bath and Mike rubbed them for me. This worked. I felt so much better, but then the pain was especially bad at night. I kept stretching out my legs, but I couldn't sleep.
This went on for a few days. It's gone now, but now my fingers are starting to tingle. I had stopped the Glutamine powder because I wanted to see if there was a difference. Until now, I hadn't seen one... also, that stuff is nasty. I mixed with orange juice. It's bad enough to make me never want to drink orange juice again.
I've also been put on an anti-depressant. No, I am not depressed, I have real bad night sweats or hot flashes. So bad that I will wake up in a pool of water. If I cover up I am too hot, I uncover and I get too cold from being wet. It makes for very restless nights. so, going on a week of no sleep, I finally asked what can be done. They had already told me to stop caffeine, chocolate and spicy foods, but that was not working. So, they gave me an anti depressant. They told me it helps most women with their hot flashes and they wanted me to try it. Good news? It takes a month for it to work. Better news? It's addicting and when they are ready for me to get off it, I have to be weened.
So, only 3 more treatments. Then no more chemo and no more silly addicting pill that is not at all helping me right now. I will be spending the next post chemo week in Florida! Hopefully the pain isn't any worse than this time. I would like to enjoy my Mickey Mouse time.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Changes...
I started a new treatment yesterday. Taxol. So far, so good. I'm not near as tired as I had been from my last chemo sessions. The only sife effects from this one are tingling in the fingers and toes, joint pain, and chills. Sounds a lot better than what I was dealing with when I was doing what is referred to as the "Red Devil". I haven't really noticed anything strange yet. I've been taking a B6 vitamine twice a day and started taking Glutimine powder to help with any tinggling that I may get.
Today I decided to call the doctor to get something taken care of. For the past few months I have been dealing with sever hot flashes, mostly at night. I've been dealing with them the best I can, but here lately they have been getting worse. I'll be sleeping, then wake up drenched in sweat. My pillow will be soaked, as well as my side of the bed. It never fails and has become an every night thing.
About a week ago, I asked the physician's assistant what she thought I should do. She told me to stop caffeen, spicy foods, and chocolate. Well, chocolate isn't a big deal, but for someone who has a glass or two of tea every day and puts hot sause on EVERYTHING, this was going to be difficult. I did it. For a week, I stopped it all, and I even started taking something called Evening Primrose Oil. This did not work, in fact, I think it made it worse.
Last night I decided to sleep on the couch because I thought it would be so much cooler in the living room. I slept in a bigger room, with a thin blanket, under a big fan. I, like every night, woke up in a flood of water. It woke me at 2:00, and I never went back to bed. I couldn't. I was too hot, then too cold, too wet, and too uncomfortable. Again, dealing with this over and over and over again.
I called the doctor today and needed to know what else I could possibly do. It's getting rediculous. Welcome menopause iss all I can think of. The nurse called me back, and they decided to put me on an anti depressant. They said it works for hot flashes, but there will be a problem with addiction, so I'll have to be weened off. Fun! When I went to pick it up this afternoon, the pharmasist told me not to expect a change any time soon. Give it a month. Seriously? I guess I've gone this long. Another month of no sleep can't be too bad.
Today I decided to call the doctor to get something taken care of. For the past few months I have been dealing with sever hot flashes, mostly at night. I've been dealing with them the best I can, but here lately they have been getting worse. I'll be sleeping, then wake up drenched in sweat. My pillow will be soaked, as well as my side of the bed. It never fails and has become an every night thing.
About a week ago, I asked the physician's assistant what she thought I should do. She told me to stop caffeen, spicy foods, and chocolate. Well, chocolate isn't a big deal, but for someone who has a glass or two of tea every day and puts hot sause on EVERYTHING, this was going to be difficult. I did it. For a week, I stopped it all, and I even started taking something called Evening Primrose Oil. This did not work, in fact, I think it made it worse.
Last night I decided to sleep on the couch because I thought it would be so much cooler in the living room. I slept in a bigger room, with a thin blanket, under a big fan. I, like every night, woke up in a flood of water. It woke me at 2:00, and I never went back to bed. I couldn't. I was too hot, then too cold, too wet, and too uncomfortable. Again, dealing with this over and over and over again.
I called the doctor today and needed to know what else I could possibly do. It's getting rediculous. Welcome menopause iss all I can think of. The nurse called me back, and they decided to put me on an anti depressant. They said it works for hot flashes, but there will be a problem with addiction, so I'll have to be weened off. Fun! When I went to pick it up this afternoon, the pharmasist told me not to expect a change any time soon. Give it a month. Seriously? I guess I've gone this long. Another month of no sleep can't be too bad.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
People May Surprise You
One thing I have noticed since I have been sick, is how surprising people are. I have never been one to be fond of strangers. I am usually pretty to myself and will not talk to anyone I do not know. Not for any particular reason, I just never see a point in doing so. However, lately I have gone against that. I am approached on a weekly basis by all types of strangers. I'll be wearing one of my hats with a pink ribbon on it, and men and women will come up to me and just start talking. "It's a sisterhood" I've been told so many times. They tell me of their stories, stories of their friends, or stories of members of their family. I can listen to people for hours talk about their struggles. Complete strangers. It's so touching.
What is even more surprising than that is how supportive my students are. I teach middle school, and teenagers are usually so self absorbed that I didn't think they cared too much about anything other than themselves. I was wrong. Since my students have found out I was sick (the second week of school), so many of them have brought me gifts and cards. So thoughtful. I never would have thought or expected it. Not from kids that I have been hearing horror stories about for years. I have noticed that they are also very protective over me. They are always checking to make sure I am doing okay, they yell at their friends if they get too close to me or touch anything on my desk, they tell each other to make sure they are using hand sanitizer, and they make a point to stop by the nurse for the slightest little sniffle. I was afraid to let my students know anything was wrong because I thought they would treat me weird or take advantage, but they have been great.
It's the little things that make me happy. The little talks to strangers and friends, and the little cards, pictures, and gifts from my students. They make such a cruddy experience, not so bad. I start a new regimen this week. If I just think about everyone I have encountered, these next few months will hopefully go by quickly and it wont be as bad as I think.
What is even more surprising than that is how supportive my students are. I teach middle school, and teenagers are usually so self absorbed that I didn't think they cared too much about anything other than themselves. I was wrong. Since my students have found out I was sick (the second week of school), so many of them have brought me gifts and cards. So thoughtful. I never would have thought or expected it. Not from kids that I have been hearing horror stories about for years. I have noticed that they are also very protective over me. They are always checking to make sure I am doing okay, they yell at their friends if they get too close to me or touch anything on my desk, they tell each other to make sure they are using hand sanitizer, and they make a point to stop by the nurse for the slightest little sniffle. I was afraid to let my students know anything was wrong because I thought they would treat me weird or take advantage, but they have been great.
It's the little things that make me happy. The little talks to strangers and friends, and the little cards, pictures, and gifts from my students. They make such a cruddy experience, not so bad. I start a new regimen this week. If I just think about everyone I have encountered, these next few months will hopefully go by quickly and it wont be as bad as I think.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Worst Day Yet And The Days That Followed
Monday had to be the absolutely worst day that I have had. I had chemo last Thursday and thought I would be up to going to work on Monday since I had a nice 3 days of rest. Something had told me that was not going to be a good idea. When I started getting ready for bed Sunday night, the pain started to hit. In fact, I slept on a heating pad on the couch that night.
When Mike got up Monday morning, so did I. I first felt everything from my shoulders up get tight and sore. I ignored the pain and got ready for the day by getting dressed for work and taking two nice Tylenol.
I went to work as normal, but instead of standing in front of the class, I sat at my desk and tried to talk about clauses and conjunctions. The pain just got worse and worse as the day went on. It felt like all my bones and muscles were working against me. I couldn't move. My skull felt like it was slowly shrinking and pressing against my brain. On top of all that, anything I ate or drank would make me nauseated and my pills for that were not working. I tried popping a few more Tylenol for the pain, but they did not help in the least bit, not to mention, when they touched my tongue I thought I was going to lose the little food I did have in my stomach. I was not well. I tried so hard to hide it though, but once the last bell of the day rang, the tears came rolling.
I had to dry my eyes pretty quickly because I remembered two things: one, it was Meet the Parents Night, and two, I had a student who needed to serve a detention with me. I didn't know what to do. I ended up sending my student to the classroom next door. Luckily he needed to work on his science project, and I went to the restroom. Once the door closed, I couldn't stop the tears. They came and they were not stopping. Every little move I made was agony. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let whatever bad thing was going to happen to me happen. I started asking, "Why me?" and wondering," What bad thing did I ever do to anyone to deserve this?"
I ended up leaving the school and not meeting the parents. I cried all the way home. Just the way the seat of my car touched me hurt. I pulled my wig off because that made the pain on my skull worse. I got home, took a Valium and a Darvocet, and laid down on the couch. I was still crying and wishing I could just fall asleep so I wouldn't feel the pain. Unfortunately, that did not happen. How come when you don't want medicine to make you drowsy it does, but when you need it, it doesn't always work? Well, it didn't work.
The kids came home a few hours later and I couldn't even hug them. I had to eat dinner on the couch because I couldn't get in the dining room chair. I tried to take a warm shower, thinking that the warm water would loosen the muscles a little, but it didn't. As soon as the kids went to bed, I laid on the couch, watched a little football, and fell asleep.
The next day, the pain was pretty much gone. My shoulders were still sore, and the headache was still there, but the majority of the pain had subsided. I thought I was well enough to go to the plastic surgeon and get my weekly "fill up". I went to his office as planned. I thought how, at the beginning I hated going to his office, and now I look forward to it each week. The doctor gave me my quick "fill", and it was back to school I went. Still with the headache, and now with my chest feeling like the muscles were ripping though my skin.
Pain! Never ending pain!
Sneezing or coughing was too much. My skull was caving in and my expanders were ripping through. I can't explain what I was feeling. Too much... too much....
Wednesday, the original pain in my body was gone. The headache was getting worse and the new pain in my chest was stronger than the day before. Pain medicine was no longer an option because nothing was working. Thursday was the same. Finally, Friday came and I felt fantastic! The headache was bearable, but no pain anywhere else! I actually stood most of the day. And today? I took two Tylenol this morning, went to my son's first ever soccer game, and... no headache!
Now, I'm just trying to get figured out how I am going to better prepare myself for my next treatment. Every treatment seems to act a little differently with me. The first one was a breeze, the second, not so bad, and this one was death. I have five more to go. They are about to switch medicines on me. I have one more treatment with my normal two chemo medicines, and then I will have four of something new. I just keep thinking to myself, "Three more months... it will all be over in three more months."
When Mike got up Monday morning, so did I. I first felt everything from my shoulders up get tight and sore. I ignored the pain and got ready for the day by getting dressed for work and taking two nice Tylenol.
I went to work as normal, but instead of standing in front of the class, I sat at my desk and tried to talk about clauses and conjunctions. The pain just got worse and worse as the day went on. It felt like all my bones and muscles were working against me. I couldn't move. My skull felt like it was slowly shrinking and pressing against my brain. On top of all that, anything I ate or drank would make me nauseated and my pills for that were not working. I tried popping a few more Tylenol for the pain, but they did not help in the least bit, not to mention, when they touched my tongue I thought I was going to lose the little food I did have in my stomach. I was not well. I tried so hard to hide it though, but once the last bell of the day rang, the tears came rolling.
I had to dry my eyes pretty quickly because I remembered two things: one, it was Meet the Parents Night, and two, I had a student who needed to serve a detention with me. I didn't know what to do. I ended up sending my student to the classroom next door. Luckily he needed to work on his science project, and I went to the restroom. Once the door closed, I couldn't stop the tears. They came and they were not stopping. Every little move I made was agony. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let whatever bad thing was going to happen to me happen. I started asking, "Why me?" and wondering," What bad thing did I ever do to anyone to deserve this?"
I ended up leaving the school and not meeting the parents. I cried all the way home. Just the way the seat of my car touched me hurt. I pulled my wig off because that made the pain on my skull worse. I got home, took a Valium and a Darvocet, and laid down on the couch. I was still crying and wishing I could just fall asleep so I wouldn't feel the pain. Unfortunately, that did not happen. How come when you don't want medicine to make you drowsy it does, but when you need it, it doesn't always work? Well, it didn't work.
The kids came home a few hours later and I couldn't even hug them. I had to eat dinner on the couch because I couldn't get in the dining room chair. I tried to take a warm shower, thinking that the warm water would loosen the muscles a little, but it didn't. As soon as the kids went to bed, I laid on the couch, watched a little football, and fell asleep.
The next day, the pain was pretty much gone. My shoulders were still sore, and the headache was still there, but the majority of the pain had subsided. I thought I was well enough to go to the plastic surgeon and get my weekly "fill up". I went to his office as planned. I thought how, at the beginning I hated going to his office, and now I look forward to it each week. The doctor gave me my quick "fill", and it was back to school I went. Still with the headache, and now with my chest feeling like the muscles were ripping though my skin.
Pain! Never ending pain!
Sneezing or coughing was too much. My skull was caving in and my expanders were ripping through. I can't explain what I was feeling. Too much... too much....
Wednesday, the original pain in my body was gone. The headache was getting worse and the new pain in my chest was stronger than the day before. Pain medicine was no longer an option because nothing was working. Thursday was the same. Finally, Friday came and I felt fantastic! The headache was bearable, but no pain anywhere else! I actually stood most of the day. And today? I took two Tylenol this morning, went to my son's first ever soccer game, and... no headache!
Now, I'm just trying to get figured out how I am going to better prepare myself for my next treatment. Every treatment seems to act a little differently with me. The first one was a breeze, the second, not so bad, and this one was death. I have five more to go. They are about to switch medicines on me. I have one more treatment with my normal two chemo medicines, and then I will have four of something new. I just keep thinking to myself, "Three more months... it will all be over in three more months."
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