Chemo Brain and Other Crazy Stuff

I have mentioned before that having cancer reminds me of being pregnant. The nausea, tiredness, headaches, mood swings, and the memory loss. Now, pregnancy brain is nothing compared to chemo brain. Chemo brain is a much stranger character. When you have pregnancy brain, in my case anyway, I would forget something just to remember it later. With chemo brain, I do things not at all realizing or remembering that I have done them. I'll have conversations with people completely forgetting that we just spoke. Today at school I was talking to another teacher about lesson plans and 10 minutes later I sent her an e-mail asking her the same questions I had just asked her. Then, tonight I was getting ready for bed and went to take my contacts out. They were already out. I don't recall the point and time I took them out, nor did I even realize I was not wearing contacts. I do remember putting them in this morning because before I left I couldn't see... how did they get out? It has to be an unsolved mystery.
Another crazy thing (number 2) I have been dealing with is the lack of taste buds. It started out being a strange metal taste in my mouth and turned into absolutely no taste at all. I can eat some of my favorite things, and there is very little that is satisfying. I hate that. I love food! What fun is eating if you can't taste anything? I put together a mouthwash that seems to help a little. It's water, salt, and baking soda. Yummy sounding I know. And you know, you would think that if you couldn't taste food you would probably not eat as much. Well, not me. It's making me eat more because I want to find something with flavor. I keep eating and eating until I find something, then I eat till I'm stuffed. So much for my chemo diet.
Crazy thing number 3 is that I was meant to be a blond. I always thought it was strange that the hair on my head was a darker blond, almost brown, but the hair on my legs and arms have always been a white blond. Well, it's in the cards that I stay a light blond kinda girl, for now anyway. It seems all my dark hair has fallen out. My head looks awful funny. I have patches of bald spots and patches of blond spots. The blond is actually growing! I didn't even realize that I had any light blond hair on my head until all the dark fell out. I was hoping that the hair on my legs would fall out too so I wouldn't have to shave, but no such luck... blond hair. Crazy! At least, so far, I haven't lost my eyebrows or eye lashes either (again, blond).
And last but not least are these nasty night sweats. It has taken almost a month,, but I think I have it figured out. If I go to sleep with the thinnest cotton shorts and tank top, turn the fan up as high as it will go, keep the pillow away from my neck, and make my husband sleep on the couch I tend not to sweat as much. The grossest thing in the world is waking up in the middle of the night sweating. Yuck! It's not even hot in the house. In fact, I get chills because I have it so cold sometimes, but I can't get comfortable in my bed. Mike occasionally sneaks in to sleep in the bed, who can blame him not wanting to keep a crick in his neck, but those are nights I can't sleep. I sometimes hit him a lot in the middle of the night in hopes that he will go back to the couch. I'm not mean, I just need my beauty sleep.

Back to School I Go

(sigh)
School started back on Monday. I, on the other hand, feel like I just started today. I hate to admit it, but this going back to work thing is taking a lot of energy. I have been sitting to rest a lot, but I am talking non stop, and that takes more energy than you realize. Now that the week is almost over, my energy level is up and I am ready to go. Hopefully the weekend will give me even more rest, so I can be back to myself for at least another week or two.
I had my second treatment last week and, like a fool, decided I was well enough to work in my classroom the next day. Not a good decision. I was sick all weekend, and I blame lack of rest. That and the fact that we have had triple digit weather. I now know that I may need an extra day to rest up before going back to work after each treatment. That is going to hit my pay check pretty hard, but I'd rather be happy and rested than tired and miserable.
I got another fill up the other day as well. I finally decided I needed to ask how many more times I was going to need to get filled. The receptionist, who I was talking to and scheduling my next 5 fills, just laughed and said, "Ask your husband!"
I am not yet sure how this year is going to go. I don't have the energy to get too angry with those who are trying to push my buttons. At the same time, I'm trying to keep my stress level down, but I have already found it difficult. This is going to be a crazy year for me, my team,... and the kids. My body will be going through all kinds of changes in the next few months. My chest will be ever expanding, my hormones are going wackadoo, and I'm just waiting for the moment my wig falls off in the middle of one of my classes.

A Year From Now...

A year from now...
My kids will not remember the days their mommy was too tired to get off the couch to play with them.
I will look at my healed scars and remember the battle I just faced.
I will have a new reconstructed figure that I will be happy with.
I will not be anxious about the first day of school because of the germs that will invade.
I will only be anxious of the new faces I will meet.
I will be preparing to do my first 3 Day or Race For the Cure.
I will be able to tell my story without getting emotional.

...But Now...
I can thank God that I found the lump early.
I can take each day as it comes and take care of myself like I never have.
I can be thankful for all the support from my family and friends.
I can be thankful for my husband who has stood my my side and been a bigger help than I could ask for.
I can thank God that he blessed me with two happy healthy boys.
I can be at peace with the fact I do not have a daughter, knowing that if I did, she might have to go through what her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had to.
I can joke with my oldest son about the wig that sits on my dresser at night.
I can play "peek-e-boo bald head" with my youngest son who pulls everything off my head.
I know the importance of laughter and strength.
I can look at myself in the mirror without tears and think to myself, "Man! I still look good".

Reality

Man! What a week.
I went back for more in service on Monday. Getting ready for school, kids, hormones, and attitude. All the pleasures of being a middle school teacher. Can I do it? Sure. Do I want to? That is another question.
I got my second fill up yesterday. Again, not so bad. I woke up so nauseated, drove to the plastic surgeons office feeling sick, walked in feeling like crap, and then walked out asking myself why I got myself so worked up over nothing. There has been a little bit of kick in my step when I leave the office knowing that soon, I will be able to be somewhat proportionate.
Besides the thrills of lesson preparations and slowly getting to that bigger cup size, there is the reminder that reality is an on going thing. I think about myself a lot, but I think about others more.
When I hear of issues coming from other people, those who have been there for me and my family, my heart goes out when they are having personal problems. I all of a sudden go into helper mode, forgetting my own issues. I want to know what exactly went wrong and how it can be fixed. It's not always so easy.
I like to think there is someone in this world that everyone can count on. If it were not for Mike, I don't know how well I would be dealing with this whole thing. When I hear people breaking up over things that could possibly be worked out, the question of, "What if...?" comes to mind. Is the next person who comes around going to be there for you if some terrible news comes your way? I know I have been in relationships in the past that I could easily answer that question as "no".
This is why I feel the need to put myself second and hope that certain people can work things out. I would hate for anyone to go through the news and trauma of finding out they have cancer and not having the right person in their life... or no one at all.
Well, there is that spill. Take it or leave it, but know that I want to see my friends happy and not hurting.
Any who... on a lighter note, I have my next treatment on Thursday. Yippee! Having it on Thursday will have me feeling like myself come Monday when all the classrooms get filled with germs galore. I called my oncologist's nurse today asking her over 100 questions. I think after every 5 questions I apologized for asking so many. I am pretty nervous about this port thing they put in me. I needed to make sure those nurses know what they are doing. It's silly to ask, but it's a new thing that I am not comfortable with yet. I will be able to return to work the next day, Friday, in order to get my final everything ready. I just have to get my shot in the morning, and I should be fine (emphasis on should).
I am dreading school starting, but at the same time, I need to get back to my reality. I need this so I can get everything off my mind. It will help me with all my worries, questions, and help me feel normal again. I hope after the first day I don't start regretting my decision of returning to work so soon, and possibly, becoming a teacher in the first place. There is a reason I took on the occupation I have... I think it is the money. Has to be the money. Molding minds, being a confidant, giving some students a safe haven is great and everything, but nothing compares to the wonderful pay of educators. Again... reality....

Sometimes It Helps To Cry

Crying happens. It's a part of life. Sometimes you try to be so strong and put up a big shield that you cry at the craziest times and places. It's great to have a good cry now and again, and it makes you normal. Not less strong or courageous... just normal. (If you are a guy reading this, you may disagree. It's a woman thing.)
Last night was the night! After playing "How much hair can I pull out of my head", Mike and I decided to shave it all off. I knew this day was coming. I had a wig all ready to go, and I was waiting patiently for the day to come. So why was I all of a sudden dreading this part? I cried all the way through the haircut. I refused to look at my husband in the face, and I refused to look at myself in the mirror. I took a shower, and threw a towel over my head in one of those turban things that we do. As far as I could tell, all my hair was still there, as long as I had a towel on my head. When I took the towel off, I replaced it with a little sleeping cap the wig salon gave me. I didn't see a thing.
This morning I had an appointment to get the wig fitted and altered. When I got out of bed, I got dressed and threw the wig on my head, still only looking in the mirror to make sure it was on straight. when I walked in the living room, my 4 year old was a little confused on when I had time to get the haircut, but said to me, "Mommy, you look beautiful". Again with the tears.
We left shortly after that to make my 11:00 appointment. I didn't want the kids to see me, so they, along with my husband, waited in the car until my parents came to get them (the kids were going to spend the night with Nana and Papa). As soon as I walked in the salon and saw the lady that I have been working with for the past month, I broke down. This particular salon works with regular hair styling with rooms in the back for people like me. They whisked me to the back for some tea and pep talks while I cried my eyes out.
We sat and talked for a little while. One of the ladies said something to me that really stuck. She said, "You have already survived. You survived through the finding of the cancer and the removal of the cancer. It's all gone. Now, it's just getting through some not so fun stuff. You are alive and that is what matters." She was fighting back tears as she was talking to me, but all of a sudden, I stopped. She said, "You can't always be strong, and no one expects you to be. It's good and healthy to break down now and again, and if you need to come here once a week to do that, you are more than welcome. You'll probably need it once school starts." That made me laugh, and I was done. I asked that they turn me away from the mirror when they took the wig off to alter it, and they did. They put a cute head cover on me and gave me a magazine to read.
It took about 15 minutes to get it just the right size. They placed the wig back on my head and did a little snipping on the longer, heavier parts of it. Looked very natural.
I walked out of the shop not making eye contact with anyone, thinking I would start crying again. When I got back out to the car, my parents were there. I held back more tears as I talked to them and said my good-bye's to the kids for the day.
I get stopped all the time by people telling me how strong they think I am. Strength is a perspective thing. I can't be that strong, if I can't even look at myself in the mirror; however, I get out of bed everyday, and sometimes that may be all strength is.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask yourself what you did to deserve this. It's okay.

Ouch!

I had my port placement yesterday morning. They say it will help tremendously with the chemo. They won't be going through the veins in my arm now, which is a plus. They will now go through a little device in my chest. I guess this is a good thing since the vein in my arm has about had enough poking and prodding.
I was awake through the whole procedure. I told the nurses and doctor that I was fine if they wanted to put me completely out. I was not keen on the idea of being awake at all. They told me they would give me extra "good" stuff and I should fall right to sleep.
Before we got started they went through the normal questions. They asked me if I had a history of this and that and everything. Then the question of my last menstrual cycle came up. That has been the last thing on my mind for the past however long, so I did not know the answer to that question. It's either here or it's not and I'm not keeping track. All of a sudden everything went crazy. People were running around ordering pregnancy tests and trying to figure out what to do because their patient could be pregnant.
Mike and I then went into panic mode trying to remember. I finally got the dates figured out, so I sent him out of my little curtain enclosed room to find the nurse to tell him the good news. They decided to put lead down around my abdomen just in case anyway. They were going to be doing some x-rays and didn't want to take any chances. That's fine, but if I were pregnant, I'm sure the baby would have so many other issues going on right now.
So anyway, I got rolled to the operating room and they got started by introducing me to everyone that will be helping out. They were all very funny guys and kept joking with each other. That helped keep me calm. They cleaned my chest and covered my face up with one of those blue sheets, making me a "little window to the world", as the nurse said. They gave me some of the good stuff and the doctor got started. He started out by giving me shots to numb the skin, which hurt so badly. I started grabbing at the sheet, so they gave me more good stuff. Once they started cutting and everything they decided to give me another, and another, and another.
The nurses kept coming to ask me if I was okay. Each time a different face would come over to my window to look in. By the way, I had my head turned completely to the left so they could do a little something to my neck, so I was focusing on all the surgical supplies they had hanging on the wall. Each time someone would get in my face, they made me lose focus, so I finally started getting in on their conversation. One of the guys was a new daddy and was complaining about his baby being a momma's boy. I told him that wouldn't change for a while, and then there was more talking and joking.
The procedure took about 45 minutes. I was told by the nurse who wheeled me back, that the amount of whatever it was that they gave me should have knocked me out. Everyone was surprised that I didn't fall asleep (that's why they kept coming over to look at me). I guess it had a delayed reaction because as soon as we got home, I passed out. In fact, I ended up sleeping on the couch last night.
Now, the doctor who did the procedure told me that I shouldn't feel any pain after the fact. It shouldn't feel any worse than a bruise would feel. LIAR! Oh, it feels like I have been punched in the chest. I took some pain medicine that I had and that seemed to help... that is until I was looking for something with my one year old. I was behind him, kinda hovering, and he stood up, banging his head in my chest. Oh my gosh. I have never felt pain like that before. I almost fell to my knees. It hurt! Ever since then I've been afraid to move.
The incision has stitches that will dissolve on the inside, but the outside is glued together. If the glue starts looking like it is peeling away, I'm supposed to put super glue on it. Yep, super glue.
I'm happy that it, the port, really isn't noticeable. There will be a scar, but you can't tell there is something under the skin. I hope the nurses at the oncology place can see it well enough. I'm afraid to wear a bra because I'm not sure where the strap will hit. I don't want it to rub on the glue because Mike will be chasing after me with the super glue. I really don't need that.
Hmmmm... my hair started falling out a few days ago. Today it's real bad. I'm pulling out gobs and gobs of it just by running my fingers through it. It's becoming addicting. I had a big ball put together. I finally threw it away. Now I'm trying to call the salon to make an appointment to get my wig fitted, but I'm having trouble getting through. Mike needs me to make that appointment so he can get started to the head shaving extravaganza. Yippee!

First Day Back

Today was my first day back to work. School starts in a few weeks, so in preparation of all the middle school kids running through the doors on the first day of school, I was there. It was so nice seeing everyone and I think only 3 people made me cry. It's amazing to me how much some people care. I love the group of people I work with. I can't say that enough.
You would not believe how exhausted I was was from just sitting in front of the computer. We did online training pretty much the majority of the day, and by the time 3:00 rolled around, I was about ready to pass out! Part of my problem was that I did not drink nearly enough liquid today. Just FYI, if you see me at school or just out and about, make sure I have some sort of liquid with me. Especially with the heat. I'm supposed to be drinking like 65oz or more of liquid a day. If I didn't make a trip to the local Sonic, I probably would have been passed out in the school hallway. Speaking of Sonic.... I also ordered a grilled chicken salad with low fat ranch dressing. They gave me the salad with the lid not completely on, and the ranch dressing they put in my bag had 25 grams of fat (not low fat). Just thought I would throw that in there... but they did make a mean iced tea.
Anyway, Mike met me at the house because we had to run out to Macy's to pick up a wedding gift for a friend. I had him drive because by the time I drove home, my energy level had made it to a negative zero. The tea was helping me, but not enough to keep focus. (I'm better now by the way. I filled my large Sonic cup up with water, so I was good to go as soon as we got to the mall.) We picked up a nice gift, and I hope I can make it to the wedding celebration this weekend. That is, if I'm not too out of it.
Tomorrow I have the surgery to get my port placed. Looking forward to it not at all. I tried not to do research on it, but I couldn't help myself. The Internet just calls my name. It's like, "Stephanie, I know something you don't know! If you want to know all the little secrets, come ask me". And I do. (If you can make that noise where you can blow with your tongue between your lips, that's the noise that should be inserted here.)
Anyway, they don't put you to sleep. It's called a "twilight" sleep... where you are awake... um... yep. So, they apparently want to talk to you as they are cutting you open and plugging something into the veins in your chest. I'm sure so much will be going through my mind that I will want to talk about! Just one more scar I guess. I'm not sure how long I have to keep it in, but I know it is going to be difficult to hide it under clothing. It comes with it I guess. I just don't understand how they can tell me no food or drink after midnight when the surgery isn't until 11:00 tomorrow morning. That should be loads of fun. I won't be cranky at all by that time.
Maybe I can keep myself from doing more research.... maybe....

Fill 'er Up

I just got back from my first fill. I have those tissue expanders in right now, which I will have to fill up with saline every week for the next however many months. Let me tell you how scared to death I was. When I walked in the plastic surgeon's office, they said they were all ready for me. I didn't even get a chance to sit and relax for a second. I thought I was going to pee myself. I've said before and I will say again, the Internet is the devil. I read so many horror stories about what it was going to feel like and anything negative I could. I finally, before I went to bed last night, found a website that had nothing but positives to say. That put me to ease somewhat.
Anyway, the doctor asked that I close my eyes while he did it, and to be honest, the only reason I knew he did anything was because I had to hold a small piece of gauze to the area so he could do the other side and get the band aids ready. Why close my eyes. He said most women get very nervous when they see the syringe that he uses to do the fill. He says it tends to be more calming if your eyes are closed and you don't see what is being done.
He is starting out with 30 cc's at a time because it will be January/February before I will be able to have the actual implants placed. He doesn't see a reason to go too fast, if I can't do the "switch" for a while.
Do I notice a difference? Why yes I do! Just a small difference, but I think I look better in my tee shirt than I did first thing this morning. Now I am about two weeks late getting started, but that is fine. I would rather be healed I think... and I am.
This is the last day of my summer break. Maybe after next week I'll be able to wear some of my cute shirts. If not, that's fine... I can find something to wear.

Randomness

Today is the first day that I have been home alone. Just put my feet up and looked at the clock... I had a doctor appointment this morning and dropped Mike off at work, and I have to go pick him up for lunch in a few minutes. I don't want to get up.
Anyway, my oldest went back to daycare this morning for the first time this summer. He was so excited to leave the house! He has been asking to go back to school for about a month, so he was ready to run out the door this morning.
I had a doctor appointment earlier with my oncologist. Just a check up to make sure my blood looks good and everything is doing well. I had a great report. Everything is awesome.
I really don't like going to that place. Everyone there is super sweet and all the patients are all happy, but I look around and always see that I am the youngest person there. It depresses me a little. I am embarrassed to admit that I do tear up. I always have one of those "why me" moments when I get there.
I've been told that I am lucky to have this so young. I somewhat disagree with that. If I were older, it would be a lot easier understood by two little kids. I know they are very confused. At the same time, it is good that I am young because my body is younger and could possibly bounce back better. I hope so anyway. There is still a slight possibility that the cancer could return later on, but we are not going to think about that right now.
One thing that has been weighing on my mind today, and I don't know why, is the question of a future child. I'm not at all looking to have another child any time too soon. Not with my 1 year old running around. He is evil. Not really. He is the cutest little thing you have ever seen, but man is he mean. The complete opposite of his brother. I could not imagine having another baby just like him.
The reason that I am even thinking about this is knowing that, due to chemo, there is a chance of going into early menopause. Now, I am doing 8 treatments (4 of two drugs together and 4 of one by itself) instead of 6 treatments. I was told by my doctor that there was a better chance of not going into menopause by doing this.... only a 50% chance. We were not planning on having another baby for another 5 or so years (if at all), but I've always wanted that as an option. As much as I don't want a little girl, I do want a little girl. Hmmmm....
I go back to work in a few days, so I'm trying to get my body back in the routine of getting up and at 'em. My body has been resting and relaxing for so long, that this will be a very difficult task. I go back to the school on Wednesday, but have my port placement on Thursday, so I'll miss a day because it's surgery and I will be out of it, but then the next week will be work, work, work!
Mike was looking at my hair today, and noted that it was looking a little thin. My hair has always been thin, and I think the way I chose to wear my ponytail may have made my part look a little different. He is so ready for my hair to start falling out. He went to Sally's over the weekend and bought a new pair of clippers just for me. He's waiting for me to give him the "Okay", and he is so excited. The salon where I bought my wig will shave my head and do all the adjusting of the wig and everything I need there in a back room. Shaving of the head is only $20, with everything else being free... You might as well tell my husband that they are charging $100 because he refuses to have me pay to have it done when he can do it for me. I think he is counting the days down. People say it takes 15 days... that is this Friday. I'm sure he will be trying to pull my hair out for me by this weekend just so he can say, "Hey, look! Your hair is falling out!!"
Welp, speaking of, Mike just called and told me he was going to lunch with a friend from work. I was supposed to drop him off at work and go shopping in the area, so I could be back at noon. Since I came home instead, he doesn't want me driving back and forth. I drove for the first time in about a month today, and I drove like a person who hasn't driven in a while. I am perfectly happy staying home. I just have to remember to pick him up from work. Good thing he only works 15 minutes from the house.
Sorry for the randomness of this blog. Everything is running through my head. I better go do my stretches. I'm going to need my right arm for writing on the board when school starts. If I don't do my stretches, that is going to be a pain (literally).

Blahhhh...

That is pretty much how I have felt the past few days. Just blah. Someone asked me how I was feeling, and the only thing that I could compare this feeling to was being pregnant. You know, or even if you don't, I'm nauseous, tired, irritable, and I have a headache that wont go away. Every time I see the couch or my bed, I have to lie down and take a long nap, and just thinking about food makes me want to throw up. Do you know how many food commercials there are on during the day? Way too many!
I hate this feeling. It's the medicine I am on, I am pretty sure. It's also the fact that my 4 year old has been home with me for the past few days and, well, there is only so much of a 4 year old a person can take. I am not a stay at home mom for a reason. I love, love, love, my son, but when one does not feel well, reading Brown Bear every 10 minutes kinda wears on you a little.
Headaches are settling in pretty bad now. I am getting them quite often. I called the doctor to see what I could take to help them, but the nurse told me to double up on a medicine I am already taking. This is the medicine that I am afraid is making me so sleepy. So, that's hard.
I started doing some of my exercises because my chest is getting so tight. I'm afraid that once they start injecting the saline in my expanders, it's going to hurt!
I found out today that they should have already been expanding me. I didn't realize I was supposed to make that first call. I thought they were going to contact me. That's how I figured it was supposed to work out, so I'm a few weeks late getting "filled". I called them and scheduled my first two appointments with the plastic surgeon. By the way, when you are having anything done to your body, I highly suggest not reading anything on the Internet. That stupid thing has me scared to death! I read message board after message board, only to try to figure out how they are going to be doing this whole thing, and all I could read were horror stories. Yikes!!!! I've read everything from people's scars filling like they are ripping apart, to a rib busting.... the Internet is the devil!

Listen to your body

I think the one thing I have heard over and over again is "listen to your body". When you have cancer, have had major surgery, and are putting yourself and body through all kinds of garbage, you really do need to listen to it. "Listening" isn't just saying, "Oh, I'm tired, let me sit for a second and I will be good to go". No! It is take an hour or two long nap if you need it and don't worry about the world around you at all. Everything will be taken care of.
See, my problem is that I do have two small kids. I feel the need to be with them every second because I am a mommy and want to be the World's Best! This is so hard when you are sick. We all of a sudden can't do all our weekend activities like normal. Like, going to the mall just to window shop and look around the Disney Store, or go to Costco and/or Sam's to fight the crowds. It's hard all of a sudden... not only that, it is 107 degrees outside!
Well, we tried a late afternoon Costco trip yesterday. Did our normal round of shopping of the necessities (and other things we didn't really need), and I thought I did pretty well. I was very proud of myself. As long as I was moving and not standing still, I had energy and thought nothing was going to touch me. That is, until I started walking to the car (again in the 107 degree weather).
As soon as I was in the car, my body started yelling at me or something. All of a sudden pains I hadn't felt before came crashing on top of me and it wasn't quite time for my pain pills. I figured I would go home, sit down, and all would be grand.
Well, as soon as I got home, I passed clear out. I was awoken by my husband reminding me that we had plans to go to the circus. Although my body was still telling me not go move, I didn't listen. I had to be the best mom, and I had to get up and get ready. I mean, all I would be doing is sitting right? Right. The circus was awesome. My weakness wore off and I was laughing and enjoying myself just like any other day. And the best part of all was seeing an old friend that I haven't seen in ages. Thanks again Liz for the tickets :)
But man, when we got in the car, exhaustion really set in. I was ready to pass out! I think it was close to 10:00 when we made it home, I ate a not so great bean burrito from Taco Bell, then crashed in bed. I think I slept til after 1 this afternoon.
I did listen to my body today, and I feel much more refreshed. Still a little afraid to do my daily exercises, but we will work on that.
Tomorrow's plan is to go to Baylor Medical Center. They have a 2 hour class where they teach you how to apply makeup and do other beauty things that help after you loose your eye brows and eye lashes. They apparently give you all kinds of tips and freebies. Very excited! I love free stuff.
I am also glad that we did postpone our family trip. I can already tell that I would not at all be into seeing my favorite mouse at this early in the game.
I really am trying to be the best darn mom in the world, but it is hard. I think this is the one thing that is killing me the most. My body just wont allow me to do everything that I am used to. The good thing is that these two boys are so young that they may not remember the 5 months that Mommy couldn't do EVERYTHING that they are used to me doing. But, I think as long as I am listening to what I need, or not, to do I will be fine. We can only see, I can only do what I can do, and can thank my lucky stars that I have such an amazing husband, family, and friends that are making this hard, difficult journey a lot easier than it could be. Thank you!