Sometimes It Helps To Cry

Crying happens. It's a part of life. Sometimes you try to be so strong and put up a big shield that you cry at the craziest times and places. It's great to have a good cry now and again, and it makes you normal. Not less strong or courageous... just normal. (If you are a guy reading this, you may disagree. It's a woman thing.)
Last night was the night! After playing "How much hair can I pull out of my head", Mike and I decided to shave it all off. I knew this day was coming. I had a wig all ready to go, and I was waiting patiently for the day to come. So why was I all of a sudden dreading this part? I cried all the way through the haircut. I refused to look at my husband in the face, and I refused to look at myself in the mirror. I took a shower, and threw a towel over my head in one of those turban things that we do. As far as I could tell, all my hair was still there, as long as I had a towel on my head. When I took the towel off, I replaced it with a little sleeping cap the wig salon gave me. I didn't see a thing.
This morning I had an appointment to get the wig fitted and altered. When I got out of bed, I got dressed and threw the wig on my head, still only looking in the mirror to make sure it was on straight. when I walked in the living room, my 4 year old was a little confused on when I had time to get the haircut, but said to me, "Mommy, you look beautiful". Again with the tears.
We left shortly after that to make my 11:00 appointment. I didn't want the kids to see me, so they, along with my husband, waited in the car until my parents came to get them (the kids were going to spend the night with Nana and Papa). As soon as I walked in the salon and saw the lady that I have been working with for the past month, I broke down. This particular salon works with regular hair styling with rooms in the back for people like me. They whisked me to the back for some tea and pep talks while I cried my eyes out.
We sat and talked for a little while. One of the ladies said something to me that really stuck. She said, "You have already survived. You survived through the finding of the cancer and the removal of the cancer. It's all gone. Now, it's just getting through some not so fun stuff. You are alive and that is what matters." She was fighting back tears as she was talking to me, but all of a sudden, I stopped. She said, "You can't always be strong, and no one expects you to be. It's good and healthy to break down now and again, and if you need to come here once a week to do that, you are more than welcome. You'll probably need it once school starts." That made me laugh, and I was done. I asked that they turn me away from the mirror when they took the wig off to alter it, and they did. They put a cute head cover on me and gave me a magazine to read.
It took about 15 minutes to get it just the right size. They placed the wig back on my head and did a little snipping on the longer, heavier parts of it. Looked very natural.
I walked out of the shop not making eye contact with anyone, thinking I would start crying again. When I got back out to the car, my parents were there. I held back more tears as I talked to them and said my good-bye's to the kids for the day.
I get stopped all the time by people telling me how strong they think I am. Strength is a perspective thing. I can't be that strong, if I can't even look at myself in the mirror; however, I get out of bed everyday, and sometimes that may be all strength is.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask yourself what you did to deserve this. It's okay.