Today I had my very last round of chemo! That is the end, there is no more. Merry Christmas. I couldn't ask for a better present. And even better... they are letting me take out this port I've been sporting for the past 5 months. I am ready to be rid of it. It's just uncomfortable.
Next up on my list, I start radiation in 3 weeks, and that should last for 6 1/2 weeks. 3 months after my last radiation, I go in to start the completion of my reconstructive surgeries. I should have one in May/June and the other toward the end of the summer or the beginning of fall. I also get to start taking Tamoxifen, which is a pill that I will be on for the next 5 years. Let's just hope I do well on it. I've heard bad things.
I am so exited that this is coming to an end. I do know that the question that will be in the back of my mind for the rest of my life will be, "Is this cancer going to come back?".
Earlier this month, Elizabeth Edwards passed away from breast cancer. She struggled with it for 5 year. Hers was worse than mine, Stage IV, but still just knowing that it was the cancer that killed her. I see all the survivors and talk to them all the time, so it's hard to take in the fact that there are people who die from this mess. And not just people in movies. Everyone in movies who get diagnosed with any type of cancer, die at the end. The only exception is if they are actors in soap operas. Those people seem to get cured within months, so I just don't understand that...
Anyway, back to what I was saying... Cancer is a strange monster. The day Elizabeth Edwards died, my co-worker's best friend passed too. She had stage III. She had just had her mastectomy a month earlier and had just had her first chemo treatment. She was a healthy woman of spirit and body, but the chemo was too much for her to handle. It caused her to have a heart attack and a stroke, and she passed. Wow! It is so hard to hear stories like that. They have come a long way with everything. Why can't they keep something like that from happening? It blows my mind.
Well, on a not so sad note, I am going to be starting this new year not having to worry about chemo drugs causing me pain, a full head of hair, a thinner waist line once all the steroids are out of my system, and hopefully no more menopausal symptoms. It will be a great new year. 2010 will be behind me, but one I will never forget. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
A New Word Added to My Vocabulary
Lymphedema. It's a condition that causes swelling in your arm that was affected by the taking out of the lyphnodes. This was one thing I was trying so hard to avoid. I was doing a good job until an unfortunate accident with a pair of scissors a few weeks ago. I cut my cuticle, and it's been down hill ever since.
After having surgery they stressed that you need to be super careful not to cut, burn, or get insect bites on the arm of the side they took everything out of. I now know why. My arm is swollen and I can barely move it without pain. Of course when I think it starts doing better, I have a dog who decides to bite me, and it all starts over again.
I have to start going to therapy where someone will be massaging me arm for an hour a visit. I am looking forward to the pampering. I start next week and I am excited.
Another thing I am supposed to be watching for is lifting over 30 pounds on one side. I have 2 young kids. Do you know how difficult it is not to lift two kids? Especially when I take them grocery shopping with me. Almost impossible. These rules were not made for mothers with kids under 5.
After having surgery they stressed that you need to be super careful not to cut, burn, or get insect bites on the arm of the side they took everything out of. I now know why. My arm is swollen and I can barely move it without pain. Of course when I think it starts doing better, I have a dog who decides to bite me, and it all starts over again.
I have to start going to therapy where someone will be massaging me arm for an hour a visit. I am looking forward to the pampering. I start next week and I am excited.
Another thing I am supposed to be watching for is lifting over 30 pounds on one side. I have 2 young kids. Do you know how difficult it is not to lift two kids? Especially when I take them grocery shopping with me. Almost impossible. These rules were not made for mothers with kids under 5.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Just What the Doctor Ordered
The doctors told me that it would be a good idea if I went on a trip. They told me to do something I enjoy doing and go some place I like going to. They said it would take my mind off being sick, and it would be good for me. They were absolutely right!
About a year ago I started planing for our annual trip to Disney World. Originally our trip was planed for early August. It was paid for and for months we were doing the little things to get ready for the trip. When I found out I was sick, the downward spiral started and my summer was ruined. I didn't realize at the time how wonderful it would be going at a later date.
So, August would have been hot, hot, hot, but November was fantastic! From the moment we boarded the plane, I forgot about being sick. I was no longer tired, worried about my wig, or worried about making sure I was taking all my medicines. I was just excited that I was able to go on my vacation and with no restrictions.
The weather was wonderful. Not once was I worried about being too hot. Crowds were low, so I didn't worry about too many people being around me. I had my hand sanitizer just in case, but other than that, I didn't have to do anything to keep the germs away.
Before getting there, I had thought about all the walking and was afraid I would have to rent a wheelchair for the duration of my stay, but not at all. I had so much energy! I was walking miles with no problem. My mind was clear, I was having fun, and the only thing on my mind was how we were going to make it home with all the souvenirs.
Now, I didn't have a wheelchair, but I did get a special pass. This helped me skip lines just in case they were too long. Very few were.
We rode every ride. Again... no restrictions! I will suggest to anyone that finds themselves sick to take a vacation to the happiest place on Earth, or anywhere else. it is so worth it. You feel so free.
Something that was pretty awesome was all the women who approached me while I was in Florida (all I wore on my head was a baseball cap with a pink ribbon stitched on it). Some had such inspirational stories. These women give me hope. A lot of them would get tears in their eyes just looking at me. I met women that were 2 year survivors all the way to 11 years. So many healthy women, so many stories, so many smiles and congratulations. They all thought it was wonderful that I was there and having fun. And fun I did have!
One lady that I will not forget is the flight attendant and the plane ride back. I didn't catch her name, but she is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. Our plane was not full, so she cleared off a row for me and asked me to lay down across the seats for a nap. She then covered me up and even asked Mike if I had eaten because if I had not, she was going to bring me dinner from first class. She and Mike talked for a little bit while I slept. When the pilot told everyone to fasten their seat belts, I returned to my seat, but on the way, I was stopped by the flight attendant and given a huge hug. she and I talked for a few more minutes and I could tell she was fighting back tears. I will never forget her. I have met so many wonderful people, but she will always sick out in my mind. I love American Airlines and I love Disney!
About a year ago I started planing for our annual trip to Disney World. Originally our trip was planed for early August. It was paid for and for months we were doing the little things to get ready for the trip. When I found out I was sick, the downward spiral started and my summer was ruined. I didn't realize at the time how wonderful it would be going at a later date.
So, August would have been hot, hot, hot, but November was fantastic! From the moment we boarded the plane, I forgot about being sick. I was no longer tired, worried about my wig, or worried about making sure I was taking all my medicines. I was just excited that I was able to go on my vacation and with no restrictions.
The weather was wonderful. Not once was I worried about being too hot. Crowds were low, so I didn't worry about too many people being around me. I had my hand sanitizer just in case, but other than that, I didn't have to do anything to keep the germs away.
Before getting there, I had thought about all the walking and was afraid I would have to rent a wheelchair for the duration of my stay, but not at all. I had so much energy! I was walking miles with no problem. My mind was clear, I was having fun, and the only thing on my mind was how we were going to make it home with all the souvenirs.
Now, I didn't have a wheelchair, but I did get a special pass. This helped me skip lines just in case they were too long. Very few were.
We rode every ride. Again... no restrictions! I will suggest to anyone that finds themselves sick to take a vacation to the happiest place on Earth, or anywhere else. it is so worth it. You feel so free.
Something that was pretty awesome was all the women who approached me while I was in Florida (all I wore on my head was a baseball cap with a pink ribbon stitched on it). Some had such inspirational stories. These women give me hope. A lot of them would get tears in their eyes just looking at me. I met women that were 2 year survivors all the way to 11 years. So many healthy women, so many stories, so many smiles and congratulations. They all thought it was wonderful that I was there and having fun. And fun I did have!
One lady that I will not forget is the flight attendant and the plane ride back. I didn't catch her name, but she is a 4 year breast cancer survivor. Our plane was not full, so she cleared off a row for me and asked me to lay down across the seats for a nap. She then covered me up and even asked Mike if I had eaten because if I had not, she was going to bring me dinner from first class. She and Mike talked for a little bit while I slept. When the pilot told everyone to fasten their seat belts, I returned to my seat, but on the way, I was stopped by the flight attendant and given a huge hug. she and I talked for a few more minutes and I could tell she was fighting back tears. I will never forget her. I have met so many wonderful people, but she will always sick out in my mind. I love American Airlines and I love Disney!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Bring It On!
Well, the new treatment went off without a hitch. I started Taxol last Thursday. I was very anxious to get this started because I had read so many scary stories about it. Everything from excruciating pain to finger nails coming off. Believe me, I was not looking forward to this.
Thursday came and I was thinking of different things to ask the doctor, so I didn't turn into one of those people I had been reading about. I didn't want my nails coming off and I certainly didn't want to be laid up in bed for weeks at a time because of the awful pain. When I brought my concerns up to my doctor, he thought I was a total loon. He told me to take the vitamin B6 and the Glutamine powder like his nurse had suggested. He said this would help with any tingling I should have. I could care less about tingling. I wanted to know about pain! He then told me anything I already had for pain should work just fine. So, there it was. He wasn't concerned, so neither was I.
When I went back to the treatment room I got comfortable and relaxed. They did all the normal stuff to me, but this time adding Benedryl to the mix of medicine they were putting in my veins. Mike and I watched TV, ate some lunch, and waited. It took about 3 1/2 hours or so for the IV of chemo to empty. Then we were off.
Normally when I come home from a treatment I am tired and a little ill. Not this time. No, I felt like normal. I felt like it was any other day. I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't. I tried to be lazy and rest, but I didn't need it. I felt fine.
The following day I took off work as normal. I use it as a recoup day. I wanted to rest and take naps like I was used to, but my body didn't care. It wanted to be up. I started to feel like I needed to go to work or give myself something to do, but I made myself give in and just laid around. When the afternoon came, I went back to the oncology office to get my post chemo and flu shots. After that, it was back to the house to twiddle my thumbs.
I guess it was Sunday when I started noticing a change. I started feeling it in my knees and in my ankles. My doctor had told me that any pain I may have will take 2-3 days to hit. I was expecting back and shoulder pain, but not knee pain. It was tolerable, but annoying. I was taken back to high school and running. It felt the same as if I had been running on concrete for miles, with shin splints and sprang ankles. Again, not too terrible, but very annoying. At times, I felt like I had lost the ability to walk.
I soaked my legs in a hot bath and Mike rubbed them for me. This worked. I felt so much better, but then the pain was especially bad at night. I kept stretching out my legs, but I couldn't sleep.
This went on for a few days. It's gone now, but now my fingers are starting to tingle. I had stopped the Glutamine powder because I wanted to see if there was a difference. Until now, I hadn't seen one... also, that stuff is nasty. I mixed with orange juice. It's bad enough to make me never want to drink orange juice again.
I've also been put on an anti-depressant. No, I am not depressed, I have real bad night sweats or hot flashes. So bad that I will wake up in a pool of water. If I cover up I am too hot, I uncover and I get too cold from being wet. It makes for very restless nights. so, going on a week of no sleep, I finally asked what can be done. They had already told me to stop caffeine, chocolate and spicy foods, but that was not working. So, they gave me an anti depressant. They told me it helps most women with their hot flashes and they wanted me to try it. Good news? It takes a month for it to work. Better news? It's addicting and when they are ready for me to get off it, I have to be weened.
So, only 3 more treatments. Then no more chemo and no more silly addicting pill that is not at all helping me right now. I will be spending the next post chemo week in Florida! Hopefully the pain isn't any worse than this time. I would like to enjoy my Mickey Mouse time.
Thursday came and I was thinking of different things to ask the doctor, so I didn't turn into one of those people I had been reading about. I didn't want my nails coming off and I certainly didn't want to be laid up in bed for weeks at a time because of the awful pain. When I brought my concerns up to my doctor, he thought I was a total loon. He told me to take the vitamin B6 and the Glutamine powder like his nurse had suggested. He said this would help with any tingling I should have. I could care less about tingling. I wanted to know about pain! He then told me anything I already had for pain should work just fine. So, there it was. He wasn't concerned, so neither was I.
When I went back to the treatment room I got comfortable and relaxed. They did all the normal stuff to me, but this time adding Benedryl to the mix of medicine they were putting in my veins. Mike and I watched TV, ate some lunch, and waited. It took about 3 1/2 hours or so for the IV of chemo to empty. Then we were off.
Normally when I come home from a treatment I am tired and a little ill. Not this time. No, I felt like normal. I felt like it was any other day. I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't. I tried to be lazy and rest, but I didn't need it. I felt fine.
The following day I took off work as normal. I use it as a recoup day. I wanted to rest and take naps like I was used to, but my body didn't care. It wanted to be up. I started to feel like I needed to go to work or give myself something to do, but I made myself give in and just laid around. When the afternoon came, I went back to the oncology office to get my post chemo and flu shots. After that, it was back to the house to twiddle my thumbs.
I guess it was Sunday when I started noticing a change. I started feeling it in my knees and in my ankles. My doctor had told me that any pain I may have will take 2-3 days to hit. I was expecting back and shoulder pain, but not knee pain. It was tolerable, but annoying. I was taken back to high school and running. It felt the same as if I had been running on concrete for miles, with shin splints and sprang ankles. Again, not too terrible, but very annoying. At times, I felt like I had lost the ability to walk.
I soaked my legs in a hot bath and Mike rubbed them for me. This worked. I felt so much better, but then the pain was especially bad at night. I kept stretching out my legs, but I couldn't sleep.
This went on for a few days. It's gone now, but now my fingers are starting to tingle. I had stopped the Glutamine powder because I wanted to see if there was a difference. Until now, I hadn't seen one... also, that stuff is nasty. I mixed with orange juice. It's bad enough to make me never want to drink orange juice again.
I've also been put on an anti-depressant. No, I am not depressed, I have real bad night sweats or hot flashes. So bad that I will wake up in a pool of water. If I cover up I am too hot, I uncover and I get too cold from being wet. It makes for very restless nights. so, going on a week of no sleep, I finally asked what can be done. They had already told me to stop caffeine, chocolate and spicy foods, but that was not working. So, they gave me an anti depressant. They told me it helps most women with their hot flashes and they wanted me to try it. Good news? It takes a month for it to work. Better news? It's addicting and when they are ready for me to get off it, I have to be weened.
So, only 3 more treatments. Then no more chemo and no more silly addicting pill that is not at all helping me right now. I will be spending the next post chemo week in Florida! Hopefully the pain isn't any worse than this time. I would like to enjoy my Mickey Mouse time.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Changes...
I started a new treatment yesterday. Taxol. So far, so good. I'm not near as tired as I had been from my last chemo sessions. The only sife effects from this one are tingling in the fingers and toes, joint pain, and chills. Sounds a lot better than what I was dealing with when I was doing what is referred to as the "Red Devil". I haven't really noticed anything strange yet. I've been taking a B6 vitamine twice a day and started taking Glutimine powder to help with any tinggling that I may get.
Today I decided to call the doctor to get something taken care of. For the past few months I have been dealing with sever hot flashes, mostly at night. I've been dealing with them the best I can, but here lately they have been getting worse. I'll be sleeping, then wake up drenched in sweat. My pillow will be soaked, as well as my side of the bed. It never fails and has become an every night thing.
About a week ago, I asked the physician's assistant what she thought I should do. She told me to stop caffeen, spicy foods, and chocolate. Well, chocolate isn't a big deal, but for someone who has a glass or two of tea every day and puts hot sause on EVERYTHING, this was going to be difficult. I did it. For a week, I stopped it all, and I even started taking something called Evening Primrose Oil. This did not work, in fact, I think it made it worse.
Last night I decided to sleep on the couch because I thought it would be so much cooler in the living room. I slept in a bigger room, with a thin blanket, under a big fan. I, like every night, woke up in a flood of water. It woke me at 2:00, and I never went back to bed. I couldn't. I was too hot, then too cold, too wet, and too uncomfortable. Again, dealing with this over and over and over again.
I called the doctor today and needed to know what else I could possibly do. It's getting rediculous. Welcome menopause iss all I can think of. The nurse called me back, and they decided to put me on an anti depressant. They said it works for hot flashes, but there will be a problem with addiction, so I'll have to be weened off. Fun! When I went to pick it up this afternoon, the pharmasist told me not to expect a change any time soon. Give it a month. Seriously? I guess I've gone this long. Another month of no sleep can't be too bad.
Today I decided to call the doctor to get something taken care of. For the past few months I have been dealing with sever hot flashes, mostly at night. I've been dealing with them the best I can, but here lately they have been getting worse. I'll be sleeping, then wake up drenched in sweat. My pillow will be soaked, as well as my side of the bed. It never fails and has become an every night thing.
About a week ago, I asked the physician's assistant what she thought I should do. She told me to stop caffeen, spicy foods, and chocolate. Well, chocolate isn't a big deal, but for someone who has a glass or two of tea every day and puts hot sause on EVERYTHING, this was going to be difficult. I did it. For a week, I stopped it all, and I even started taking something called Evening Primrose Oil. This did not work, in fact, I think it made it worse.
Last night I decided to sleep on the couch because I thought it would be so much cooler in the living room. I slept in a bigger room, with a thin blanket, under a big fan. I, like every night, woke up in a flood of water. It woke me at 2:00, and I never went back to bed. I couldn't. I was too hot, then too cold, too wet, and too uncomfortable. Again, dealing with this over and over and over again.
I called the doctor today and needed to know what else I could possibly do. It's getting rediculous. Welcome menopause iss all I can think of. The nurse called me back, and they decided to put me on an anti depressant. They said it works for hot flashes, but there will be a problem with addiction, so I'll have to be weened off. Fun! When I went to pick it up this afternoon, the pharmasist told me not to expect a change any time soon. Give it a month. Seriously? I guess I've gone this long. Another month of no sleep can't be too bad.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
People May Surprise You
One thing I have noticed since I have been sick, is how surprising people are. I have never been one to be fond of strangers. I am usually pretty to myself and will not talk to anyone I do not know. Not for any particular reason, I just never see a point in doing so. However, lately I have gone against that. I am approached on a weekly basis by all types of strangers. I'll be wearing one of my hats with a pink ribbon on it, and men and women will come up to me and just start talking. "It's a sisterhood" I've been told so many times. They tell me of their stories, stories of their friends, or stories of members of their family. I can listen to people for hours talk about their struggles. Complete strangers. It's so touching.
What is even more surprising than that is how supportive my students are. I teach middle school, and teenagers are usually so self absorbed that I didn't think they cared too much about anything other than themselves. I was wrong. Since my students have found out I was sick (the second week of school), so many of them have brought me gifts and cards. So thoughtful. I never would have thought or expected it. Not from kids that I have been hearing horror stories about for years. I have noticed that they are also very protective over me. They are always checking to make sure I am doing okay, they yell at their friends if they get too close to me or touch anything on my desk, they tell each other to make sure they are using hand sanitizer, and they make a point to stop by the nurse for the slightest little sniffle. I was afraid to let my students know anything was wrong because I thought they would treat me weird or take advantage, but they have been great.
It's the little things that make me happy. The little talks to strangers and friends, and the little cards, pictures, and gifts from my students. They make such a cruddy experience, not so bad. I start a new regimen this week. If I just think about everyone I have encountered, these next few months will hopefully go by quickly and it wont be as bad as I think.
What is even more surprising than that is how supportive my students are. I teach middle school, and teenagers are usually so self absorbed that I didn't think they cared too much about anything other than themselves. I was wrong. Since my students have found out I was sick (the second week of school), so many of them have brought me gifts and cards. So thoughtful. I never would have thought or expected it. Not from kids that I have been hearing horror stories about for years. I have noticed that they are also very protective over me. They are always checking to make sure I am doing okay, they yell at their friends if they get too close to me or touch anything on my desk, they tell each other to make sure they are using hand sanitizer, and they make a point to stop by the nurse for the slightest little sniffle. I was afraid to let my students know anything was wrong because I thought they would treat me weird or take advantage, but they have been great.
It's the little things that make me happy. The little talks to strangers and friends, and the little cards, pictures, and gifts from my students. They make such a cruddy experience, not so bad. I start a new regimen this week. If I just think about everyone I have encountered, these next few months will hopefully go by quickly and it wont be as bad as I think.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Worst Day Yet And The Days That Followed
Monday had to be the absolutely worst day that I have had. I had chemo last Thursday and thought I would be up to going to work on Monday since I had a nice 3 days of rest. Something had told me that was not going to be a good idea. When I started getting ready for bed Sunday night, the pain started to hit. In fact, I slept on a heating pad on the couch that night.
When Mike got up Monday morning, so did I. I first felt everything from my shoulders up get tight and sore. I ignored the pain and got ready for the day by getting dressed for work and taking two nice Tylenol.
I went to work as normal, but instead of standing in front of the class, I sat at my desk and tried to talk about clauses and conjunctions. The pain just got worse and worse as the day went on. It felt like all my bones and muscles were working against me. I couldn't move. My skull felt like it was slowly shrinking and pressing against my brain. On top of all that, anything I ate or drank would make me nauseated and my pills for that were not working. I tried popping a few more Tylenol for the pain, but they did not help in the least bit, not to mention, when they touched my tongue I thought I was going to lose the little food I did have in my stomach. I was not well. I tried so hard to hide it though, but once the last bell of the day rang, the tears came rolling.
I had to dry my eyes pretty quickly because I remembered two things: one, it was Meet the Parents Night, and two, I had a student who needed to serve a detention with me. I didn't know what to do. I ended up sending my student to the classroom next door. Luckily he needed to work on his science project, and I went to the restroom. Once the door closed, I couldn't stop the tears. They came and they were not stopping. Every little move I made was agony. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let whatever bad thing was going to happen to me happen. I started asking, "Why me?" and wondering," What bad thing did I ever do to anyone to deserve this?"
I ended up leaving the school and not meeting the parents. I cried all the way home. Just the way the seat of my car touched me hurt. I pulled my wig off because that made the pain on my skull worse. I got home, took a Valium and a Darvocet, and laid down on the couch. I was still crying and wishing I could just fall asleep so I wouldn't feel the pain. Unfortunately, that did not happen. How come when you don't want medicine to make you drowsy it does, but when you need it, it doesn't always work? Well, it didn't work.
The kids came home a few hours later and I couldn't even hug them. I had to eat dinner on the couch because I couldn't get in the dining room chair. I tried to take a warm shower, thinking that the warm water would loosen the muscles a little, but it didn't. As soon as the kids went to bed, I laid on the couch, watched a little football, and fell asleep.
The next day, the pain was pretty much gone. My shoulders were still sore, and the headache was still there, but the majority of the pain had subsided. I thought I was well enough to go to the plastic surgeon and get my weekly "fill up". I went to his office as planned. I thought how, at the beginning I hated going to his office, and now I look forward to it each week. The doctor gave me my quick "fill", and it was back to school I went. Still with the headache, and now with my chest feeling like the muscles were ripping though my skin.
Pain! Never ending pain!
Sneezing or coughing was too much. My skull was caving in and my expanders were ripping through. I can't explain what I was feeling. Too much... too much....
Wednesday, the original pain in my body was gone. The headache was getting worse and the new pain in my chest was stronger than the day before. Pain medicine was no longer an option because nothing was working. Thursday was the same. Finally, Friday came and I felt fantastic! The headache was bearable, but no pain anywhere else! I actually stood most of the day. And today? I took two Tylenol this morning, went to my son's first ever soccer game, and... no headache!
Now, I'm just trying to get figured out how I am going to better prepare myself for my next treatment. Every treatment seems to act a little differently with me. The first one was a breeze, the second, not so bad, and this one was death. I have five more to go. They are about to switch medicines on me. I have one more treatment with my normal two chemo medicines, and then I will have four of something new. I just keep thinking to myself, "Three more months... it will all be over in three more months."
When Mike got up Monday morning, so did I. I first felt everything from my shoulders up get tight and sore. I ignored the pain and got ready for the day by getting dressed for work and taking two nice Tylenol.
I went to work as normal, but instead of standing in front of the class, I sat at my desk and tried to talk about clauses and conjunctions. The pain just got worse and worse as the day went on. It felt like all my bones and muscles were working against me. I couldn't move. My skull felt like it was slowly shrinking and pressing against my brain. On top of all that, anything I ate or drank would make me nauseated and my pills for that were not working. I tried popping a few more Tylenol for the pain, but they did not help in the least bit, not to mention, when they touched my tongue I thought I was going to lose the little food I did have in my stomach. I was not well. I tried so hard to hide it though, but once the last bell of the day rang, the tears came rolling.
I had to dry my eyes pretty quickly because I remembered two things: one, it was Meet the Parents Night, and two, I had a student who needed to serve a detention with me. I didn't know what to do. I ended up sending my student to the classroom next door. Luckily he needed to work on his science project, and I went to the restroom. Once the door closed, I couldn't stop the tears. They came and they were not stopping. Every little move I made was agony. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let whatever bad thing was going to happen to me happen. I started asking, "Why me?" and wondering," What bad thing did I ever do to anyone to deserve this?"
I ended up leaving the school and not meeting the parents. I cried all the way home. Just the way the seat of my car touched me hurt. I pulled my wig off because that made the pain on my skull worse. I got home, took a Valium and a Darvocet, and laid down on the couch. I was still crying and wishing I could just fall asleep so I wouldn't feel the pain. Unfortunately, that did not happen. How come when you don't want medicine to make you drowsy it does, but when you need it, it doesn't always work? Well, it didn't work.
The kids came home a few hours later and I couldn't even hug them. I had to eat dinner on the couch because I couldn't get in the dining room chair. I tried to take a warm shower, thinking that the warm water would loosen the muscles a little, but it didn't. As soon as the kids went to bed, I laid on the couch, watched a little football, and fell asleep.
The next day, the pain was pretty much gone. My shoulders were still sore, and the headache was still there, but the majority of the pain had subsided. I thought I was well enough to go to the plastic surgeon and get my weekly "fill up". I went to his office as planned. I thought how, at the beginning I hated going to his office, and now I look forward to it each week. The doctor gave me my quick "fill", and it was back to school I went. Still with the headache, and now with my chest feeling like the muscles were ripping though my skin.
Pain! Never ending pain!
Sneezing or coughing was too much. My skull was caving in and my expanders were ripping through. I can't explain what I was feeling. Too much... too much....
Wednesday, the original pain in my body was gone. The headache was getting worse and the new pain in my chest was stronger than the day before. Pain medicine was no longer an option because nothing was working. Thursday was the same. Finally, Friday came and I felt fantastic! The headache was bearable, but no pain anywhere else! I actually stood most of the day. And today? I took two Tylenol this morning, went to my son's first ever soccer game, and... no headache!
Now, I'm just trying to get figured out how I am going to better prepare myself for my next treatment. Every treatment seems to act a little differently with me. The first one was a breeze, the second, not so bad, and this one was death. I have five more to go. They are about to switch medicines on me. I have one more treatment with my normal two chemo medicines, and then I will have four of something new. I just keep thinking to myself, "Three more months... it will all be over in three more months."
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Chemo Brain and Other Crazy Stuff
I have mentioned before that having cancer reminds me of being pregnant. The nausea, tiredness, headaches, mood swings, and the memory loss. Now, pregnancy brain is nothing compared to chemo brain. Chemo brain is a much stranger character. When you have pregnancy brain, in my case anyway, I would forget something just to remember it later. With chemo brain, I do things not at all realizing or remembering that I have done them. I'll have conversations with people completely forgetting that we just spoke. Today at school I was talking to another teacher about lesson plans and 10 minutes later I sent her an e-mail asking her the same questions I had just asked her. Then, tonight I was getting ready for bed and went to take my contacts out. They were already out. I don't recall the point and time I took them out, nor did I even realize I was not wearing contacts. I do remember putting them in this morning because before I left I couldn't see... how did they get out? It has to be an unsolved mystery.
Another crazy thing (number 2) I have been dealing with is the lack of taste buds. It started out being a strange metal taste in my mouth and turned into absolutely no taste at all. I can eat some of my favorite things, and there is very little that is satisfying. I hate that. I love food! What fun is eating if you can't taste anything? I put together a mouthwash that seems to help a little. It's water, salt, and baking soda. Yummy sounding I know. And you know, you would think that if you couldn't taste food you would probably not eat as much. Well, not me. It's making me eat more because I want to find something with flavor. I keep eating and eating until I find something, then I eat till I'm stuffed. So much for my chemo diet.
Crazy thing number 3 is that I was meant to be a blond. I always thought it was strange that the hair on my head was a darker blond, almost brown, but the hair on my legs and arms have always been a white blond. Well, it's in the cards that I stay a light blond kinda girl, for now anyway. It seems all my dark hair has fallen out. My head looks awful funny. I have patches of bald spots and patches of blond spots. The blond is actually growing! I didn't even realize that I had any light blond hair on my head until all the dark fell out. I was hoping that the hair on my legs would fall out too so I wouldn't have to shave, but no such luck... blond hair. Crazy! At least, so far, I haven't lost my eyebrows or eye lashes either (again, blond).
And last but not least are these nasty night sweats. It has taken almost a month,, but I think I have it figured out. If I go to sleep with the thinnest cotton shorts and tank top, turn the fan up as high as it will go, keep the pillow away from my neck, and make my husband sleep on the couch I tend not to sweat as much. The grossest thing in the world is waking up in the middle of the night sweating. Yuck! It's not even hot in the house. In fact, I get chills because I have it so cold sometimes, but I can't get comfortable in my bed. Mike occasionally sneaks in to sleep in the bed, who can blame him not wanting to keep a crick in his neck, but those are nights I can't sleep. I sometimes hit him a lot in the middle of the night in hopes that he will go back to the couch. I'm not mean, I just need my beauty sleep.
Another crazy thing (number 2) I have been dealing with is the lack of taste buds. It started out being a strange metal taste in my mouth and turned into absolutely no taste at all. I can eat some of my favorite things, and there is very little that is satisfying. I hate that. I love food! What fun is eating if you can't taste anything? I put together a mouthwash that seems to help a little. It's water, salt, and baking soda. Yummy sounding I know. And you know, you would think that if you couldn't taste food you would probably not eat as much. Well, not me. It's making me eat more because I want to find something with flavor. I keep eating and eating until I find something, then I eat till I'm stuffed. So much for my chemo diet.
Crazy thing number 3 is that I was meant to be a blond. I always thought it was strange that the hair on my head was a darker blond, almost brown, but the hair on my legs and arms have always been a white blond. Well, it's in the cards that I stay a light blond kinda girl, for now anyway. It seems all my dark hair has fallen out. My head looks awful funny. I have patches of bald spots and patches of blond spots. The blond is actually growing! I didn't even realize that I had any light blond hair on my head until all the dark fell out. I was hoping that the hair on my legs would fall out too so I wouldn't have to shave, but no such luck... blond hair. Crazy! At least, so far, I haven't lost my eyebrows or eye lashes either (again, blond).
And last but not least are these nasty night sweats. It has taken almost a month,, but I think I have it figured out. If I go to sleep with the thinnest cotton shorts and tank top, turn the fan up as high as it will go, keep the pillow away from my neck, and make my husband sleep on the couch I tend not to sweat as much. The grossest thing in the world is waking up in the middle of the night sweating. Yuck! It's not even hot in the house. In fact, I get chills because I have it so cold sometimes, but I can't get comfortable in my bed. Mike occasionally sneaks in to sleep in the bed, who can blame him not wanting to keep a crick in his neck, but those are nights I can't sleep. I sometimes hit him a lot in the middle of the night in hopes that he will go back to the couch. I'm not mean, I just need my beauty sleep.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Back to School I Go
(sigh)
School started back on Monday. I, on the other hand, feel like I just started today. I hate to admit it, but this going back to work thing is taking a lot of energy. I have been sitting to rest a lot, but I am talking non stop, and that takes more energy than you realize. Now that the week is almost over, my energy level is up and I am ready to go. Hopefully the weekend will give me even more rest, so I can be back to myself for at least another week or two.
I had my second treatment last week and, like a fool, decided I was well enough to work in my classroom the next day. Not a good decision. I was sick all weekend, and I blame lack of rest. That and the fact that we have had triple digit weather. I now know that I may need an extra day to rest up before going back to work after each treatment. That is going to hit my pay check pretty hard, but I'd rather be happy and rested than tired and miserable.
I got another fill up the other day as well. I finally decided I needed to ask how many more times I was going to need to get filled. The receptionist, who I was talking to and scheduling my next 5 fills, just laughed and said, "Ask your husband!"
I am not yet sure how this year is going to go. I don't have the energy to get too angry with those who are trying to push my buttons. At the same time, I'm trying to keep my stress level down, but I have already found it difficult. This is going to be a crazy year for me, my team,... and the kids. My body will be going through all kinds of changes in the next few months. My chest will be ever expanding, my hormones are going wackadoo, and I'm just waiting for the moment my wig falls off in the middle of one of my classes.
School started back on Monday. I, on the other hand, feel like I just started today. I hate to admit it, but this going back to work thing is taking a lot of energy. I have been sitting to rest a lot, but I am talking non stop, and that takes more energy than you realize. Now that the week is almost over, my energy level is up and I am ready to go. Hopefully the weekend will give me even more rest, so I can be back to myself for at least another week or two.
I had my second treatment last week and, like a fool, decided I was well enough to work in my classroom the next day. Not a good decision. I was sick all weekend, and I blame lack of rest. That and the fact that we have had triple digit weather. I now know that I may need an extra day to rest up before going back to work after each treatment. That is going to hit my pay check pretty hard, but I'd rather be happy and rested than tired and miserable.
I got another fill up the other day as well. I finally decided I needed to ask how many more times I was going to need to get filled. The receptionist, who I was talking to and scheduling my next 5 fills, just laughed and said, "Ask your husband!"
I am not yet sure how this year is going to go. I don't have the energy to get too angry with those who are trying to push my buttons. At the same time, I'm trying to keep my stress level down, but I have already found it difficult. This is going to be a crazy year for me, my team,... and the kids. My body will be going through all kinds of changes in the next few months. My chest will be ever expanding, my hormones are going wackadoo, and I'm just waiting for the moment my wig falls off in the middle of one of my classes.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A Year From Now...
A year from now...
My kids will not remember the days their mommy was too tired to get off the couch to play with them.
I will look at my healed scars and remember the battle I just faced.
I will have a new reconstructed figure that I will be happy with.
I will not be anxious about the first day of school because of the germs that will invade.
I will only be anxious of the new faces I will meet.
I will be preparing to do my first 3 Day or Race For the Cure.
I will be able to tell my story without getting emotional.
...But Now...
I can thank God that I found the lump early.
I can take each day as it comes and take care of myself like I never have.
I can be thankful for all the support from my family and friends.
I can be thankful for my husband who has stood my my side and been a bigger help than I could ask for.
I can thank God that he blessed me with two happy healthy boys.
I can be at peace with the fact I do not have a daughter, knowing that if I did, she might have to go through what her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had to.
I can joke with my oldest son about the wig that sits on my dresser at night.
I can play "peek-e-boo bald head" with my youngest son who pulls everything off my head.
I know the importance of laughter and strength.
I can look at myself in the mirror without tears and think to myself, "Man! I still look good".
My kids will not remember the days their mommy was too tired to get off the couch to play with them.
I will look at my healed scars and remember the battle I just faced.
I will have a new reconstructed figure that I will be happy with.
I will not be anxious about the first day of school because of the germs that will invade.
I will only be anxious of the new faces I will meet.
I will be preparing to do my first 3 Day or Race For the Cure.
I will be able to tell my story without getting emotional.
...But Now...
I can thank God that I found the lump early.
I can take each day as it comes and take care of myself like I never have.
I can be thankful for all the support from my family and friends.
I can be thankful for my husband who has stood my my side and been a bigger help than I could ask for.
I can thank God that he blessed me with two happy healthy boys.
I can be at peace with the fact I do not have a daughter, knowing that if I did, she might have to go through what her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother had to.
I can joke with my oldest son about the wig that sits on my dresser at night.
I can play "peek-e-boo bald head" with my youngest son who pulls everything off my head.
I know the importance of laughter and strength.
I can look at myself in the mirror without tears and think to myself, "Man! I still look good".
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Reality
Man! What a week.
I went back for more in service on Monday. Getting ready for school, kids, hormones, and attitude. All the pleasures of being a middle school teacher. Can I do it? Sure. Do I want to? That is another question.
I got my second fill up yesterday. Again, not so bad. I woke up so nauseated, drove to the plastic surgeons office feeling sick, walked in feeling like crap, and then walked out asking myself why I got myself so worked up over nothing. There has been a little bit of kick in my step when I leave the office knowing that soon, I will be able to be somewhat proportionate.
Besides the thrills of lesson preparations and slowly getting to that bigger cup size, there is the reminder that reality is an on going thing. I think about myself a lot, but I think about others more.
When I hear of issues coming from other people, those who have been there for me and my family, my heart goes out when they are having personal problems. I all of a sudden go into helper mode, forgetting my own issues. I want to know what exactly went wrong and how it can be fixed. It's not always so easy.
I like to think there is someone in this world that everyone can count on. If it were not for Mike, I don't know how well I would be dealing with this whole thing. When I hear people breaking up over things that could possibly be worked out, the question of, "What if...?" comes to mind. Is the next person who comes around going to be there for you if some terrible news comes your way? I know I have been in relationships in the past that I could easily answer that question as "no".
This is why I feel the need to put myself second and hope that certain people can work things out. I would hate for anyone to go through the news and trauma of finding out they have cancer and not having the right person in their life... or no one at all.
Well, there is that spill. Take it or leave it, but know that I want to see my friends happy and not hurting.
Any who... on a lighter note, I have my next treatment on Thursday. Yippee! Having it on Thursday will have me feeling like myself come Monday when all the classrooms get filled with germs galore. I called my oncologist's nurse today asking her over 100 questions. I think after every 5 questions I apologized for asking so many. I am pretty nervous about this port thing they put in me. I needed to make sure those nurses know what they are doing. It's silly to ask, but it's a new thing that I am not comfortable with yet. I will be able to return to work the next day, Friday, in order to get my final everything ready. I just have to get my shot in the morning, and I should be fine (emphasis on should).
I am dreading school starting, but at the same time, I need to get back to my reality. I need this so I can get everything off my mind. It will help me with all my worries, questions, and help me feel normal again. I hope after the first day I don't start regretting my decision of returning to work so soon, and possibly, becoming a teacher in the first place. There is a reason I took on the occupation I have... I think it is the money. Has to be the money. Molding minds, being a confidant, giving some students a safe haven is great and everything, but nothing compares to the wonderful pay of educators. Again... reality....
I went back for more in service on Monday. Getting ready for school, kids, hormones, and attitude. All the pleasures of being a middle school teacher. Can I do it? Sure. Do I want to? That is another question.
I got my second fill up yesterday. Again, not so bad. I woke up so nauseated, drove to the plastic surgeons office feeling sick, walked in feeling like crap, and then walked out asking myself why I got myself so worked up over nothing. There has been a little bit of kick in my step when I leave the office knowing that soon, I will be able to be somewhat proportionate.
Besides the thrills of lesson preparations and slowly getting to that bigger cup size, there is the reminder that reality is an on going thing. I think about myself a lot, but I think about others more.
When I hear of issues coming from other people, those who have been there for me and my family, my heart goes out when they are having personal problems. I all of a sudden go into helper mode, forgetting my own issues. I want to know what exactly went wrong and how it can be fixed. It's not always so easy.
I like to think there is someone in this world that everyone can count on. If it were not for Mike, I don't know how well I would be dealing with this whole thing. When I hear people breaking up over things that could possibly be worked out, the question of, "What if...?" comes to mind. Is the next person who comes around going to be there for you if some terrible news comes your way? I know I have been in relationships in the past that I could easily answer that question as "no".
This is why I feel the need to put myself second and hope that certain people can work things out. I would hate for anyone to go through the news and trauma of finding out they have cancer and not having the right person in their life... or no one at all.
Well, there is that spill. Take it or leave it, but know that I want to see my friends happy and not hurting.
Any who... on a lighter note, I have my next treatment on Thursday. Yippee! Having it on Thursday will have me feeling like myself come Monday when all the classrooms get filled with germs galore. I called my oncologist's nurse today asking her over 100 questions. I think after every 5 questions I apologized for asking so many. I am pretty nervous about this port thing they put in me. I needed to make sure those nurses know what they are doing. It's silly to ask, but it's a new thing that I am not comfortable with yet. I will be able to return to work the next day, Friday, in order to get my final everything ready. I just have to get my shot in the morning, and I should be fine (emphasis on should).
I am dreading school starting, but at the same time, I need to get back to my reality. I need this so I can get everything off my mind. It will help me with all my worries, questions, and help me feel normal again. I hope after the first day I don't start regretting my decision of returning to work so soon, and possibly, becoming a teacher in the first place. There is a reason I took on the occupation I have... I think it is the money. Has to be the money. Molding minds, being a confidant, giving some students a safe haven is great and everything, but nothing compares to the wonderful pay of educators. Again... reality....
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Sometimes It Helps To Cry
Crying happens. It's a part of life. Sometimes you try to be so strong and put up a big shield that you cry at the craziest times and places. It's great to have a good cry now and again, and it makes you normal. Not less strong or courageous... just normal. (If you are a guy reading this, you may disagree. It's a woman thing.)
Last night was the night! After playing "How much hair can I pull out of my head", Mike and I decided to shave it all off. I knew this day was coming. I had a wig all ready to go, and I was waiting patiently for the day to come. So why was I all of a sudden dreading this part? I cried all the way through the haircut. I refused to look at my husband in the face, and I refused to look at myself in the mirror. I took a shower, and threw a towel over my head in one of those turban things that we do. As far as I could tell, all my hair was still there, as long as I had a towel on my head. When I took the towel off, I replaced it with a little sleeping cap the wig salon gave me. I didn't see a thing.
This morning I had an appointment to get the wig fitted and altered. When I got out of bed, I got dressed and threw the wig on my head, still only looking in the mirror to make sure it was on straight. when I walked in the living room, my 4 year old was a little confused on when I had time to get the haircut, but said to me, "Mommy, you look beautiful". Again with the tears.
We left shortly after that to make my 11:00 appointment. I didn't want the kids to see me, so they, along with my husband, waited in the car until my parents came to get them (the kids were going to spend the night with Nana and Papa). As soon as I walked in the salon and saw the lady that I have been working with for the past month, I broke down. This particular salon works with regular hair styling with rooms in the back for people like me. They whisked me to the back for some tea and pep talks while I cried my eyes out.
We sat and talked for a little while. One of the ladies said something to me that really stuck. She said, "You have already survived. You survived through the finding of the cancer and the removal of the cancer. It's all gone. Now, it's just getting through some not so fun stuff. You are alive and that is what matters." She was fighting back tears as she was talking to me, but all of a sudden, I stopped. She said, "You can't always be strong, and no one expects you to be. It's good and healthy to break down now and again, and if you need to come here once a week to do that, you are more than welcome. You'll probably need it once school starts." That made me laugh, and I was done. I asked that they turn me away from the mirror when they took the wig off to alter it, and they did. They put a cute head cover on me and gave me a magazine to read.
It took about 15 minutes to get it just the right size. They placed the wig back on my head and did a little snipping on the longer, heavier parts of it. Looked very natural.
I walked out of the shop not making eye contact with anyone, thinking I would start crying again. When I got back out to the car, my parents were there. I held back more tears as I talked to them and said my good-bye's to the kids for the day.
I get stopped all the time by people telling me how strong they think I am. Strength is a perspective thing. I can't be that strong, if I can't even look at myself in the mirror; however, I get out of bed everyday, and sometimes that may be all strength is.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask yourself what you did to deserve this. It's okay.
Last night was the night! After playing "How much hair can I pull out of my head", Mike and I decided to shave it all off. I knew this day was coming. I had a wig all ready to go, and I was waiting patiently for the day to come. So why was I all of a sudden dreading this part? I cried all the way through the haircut. I refused to look at my husband in the face, and I refused to look at myself in the mirror. I took a shower, and threw a towel over my head in one of those turban things that we do. As far as I could tell, all my hair was still there, as long as I had a towel on my head. When I took the towel off, I replaced it with a little sleeping cap the wig salon gave me. I didn't see a thing.
This morning I had an appointment to get the wig fitted and altered. When I got out of bed, I got dressed and threw the wig on my head, still only looking in the mirror to make sure it was on straight. when I walked in the living room, my 4 year old was a little confused on when I had time to get the haircut, but said to me, "Mommy, you look beautiful". Again with the tears.
We left shortly after that to make my 11:00 appointment. I didn't want the kids to see me, so they, along with my husband, waited in the car until my parents came to get them (the kids were going to spend the night with Nana and Papa). As soon as I walked in the salon and saw the lady that I have been working with for the past month, I broke down. This particular salon works with regular hair styling with rooms in the back for people like me. They whisked me to the back for some tea and pep talks while I cried my eyes out.
We sat and talked for a little while. One of the ladies said something to me that really stuck. She said, "You have already survived. You survived through the finding of the cancer and the removal of the cancer. It's all gone. Now, it's just getting through some not so fun stuff. You are alive and that is what matters." She was fighting back tears as she was talking to me, but all of a sudden, I stopped. She said, "You can't always be strong, and no one expects you to be. It's good and healthy to break down now and again, and if you need to come here once a week to do that, you are more than welcome. You'll probably need it once school starts." That made me laugh, and I was done. I asked that they turn me away from the mirror when they took the wig off to alter it, and they did. They put a cute head cover on me and gave me a magazine to read.
It took about 15 minutes to get it just the right size. They placed the wig back on my head and did a little snipping on the longer, heavier parts of it. Looked very natural.
I walked out of the shop not making eye contact with anyone, thinking I would start crying again. When I got back out to the car, my parents were there. I held back more tears as I talked to them and said my good-bye's to the kids for the day.
I get stopped all the time by people telling me how strong they think I am. Strength is a perspective thing. I can't be that strong, if I can't even look at myself in the mirror; however, I get out of bed everyday, and sometimes that may be all strength is.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask yourself what you did to deserve this. It's okay.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Ouch!
I had my port placement yesterday morning. They say it will help tremendously with the chemo. They won't be going through the veins in my arm now, which is a plus. They will now go through a little device in my chest. I guess this is a good thing since the vein in my arm has about had enough poking and prodding.
I was awake through the whole procedure. I told the nurses and doctor that I was fine if they wanted to put me completely out. I was not keen on the idea of being awake at all. They told me they would give me extra "good" stuff and I should fall right to sleep.
Before we got started they went through the normal questions. They asked me if I had a history of this and that and everything. Then the question of my last menstrual cycle came up. That has been the last thing on my mind for the past however long, so I did not know the answer to that question. It's either here or it's not and I'm not keeping track. All of a sudden everything went crazy. People were running around ordering pregnancy tests and trying to figure out what to do because their patient could be pregnant.
Mike and I then went into panic mode trying to remember. I finally got the dates figured out, so I sent him out of my little curtain enclosed room to find the nurse to tell him the good news. They decided to put lead down around my abdomen just in case anyway. They were going to be doing some x-rays and didn't want to take any chances. That's fine, but if I were pregnant, I'm sure the baby would have so many other issues going on right now.
So anyway, I got rolled to the operating room and they got started by introducing me to everyone that will be helping out. They were all very funny guys and kept joking with each other. That helped keep me calm. They cleaned my chest and covered my face up with one of those blue sheets, making me a "little window to the world", as the nurse said. They gave me some of the good stuff and the doctor got started. He started out by giving me shots to numb the skin, which hurt so badly. I started grabbing at the sheet, so they gave me more good stuff. Once they started cutting and everything they decided to give me another, and another, and another.
The nurses kept coming to ask me if I was okay. Each time a different face would come over to my window to look in. By the way, I had my head turned completely to the left so they could do a little something to my neck, so I was focusing on all the surgical supplies they had hanging on the wall. Each time someone would get in my face, they made me lose focus, so I finally started getting in on their conversation. One of the guys was a new daddy and was complaining about his baby being a momma's boy. I told him that wouldn't change for a while, and then there was more talking and joking.
The procedure took about 45 minutes. I was told by the nurse who wheeled me back, that the amount of whatever it was that they gave me should have knocked me out. Everyone was surprised that I didn't fall asleep (that's why they kept coming over to look at me). I guess it had a delayed reaction because as soon as we got home, I passed out. In fact, I ended up sleeping on the couch last night.
Now, the doctor who did the procedure told me that I shouldn't feel any pain after the fact. It shouldn't feel any worse than a bruise would feel. LIAR! Oh, it feels like I have been punched in the chest. I took some pain medicine that I had and that seemed to help... that is until I was looking for something with my one year old. I was behind him, kinda hovering, and he stood up, banging his head in my chest. Oh my gosh. I have never felt pain like that before. I almost fell to my knees. It hurt! Ever since then I've been afraid to move.
The incision has stitches that will dissolve on the inside, but the outside is glued together. If the glue starts looking like it is peeling away, I'm supposed to put super glue on it. Yep, super glue.
I'm happy that it, the port, really isn't noticeable. There will be a scar, but you can't tell there is something under the skin. I hope the nurses at the oncology place can see it well enough. I'm afraid to wear a bra because I'm not sure where the strap will hit. I don't want it to rub on the glue because Mike will be chasing after me with the super glue. I really don't need that.
Hmmmm... my hair started falling out a few days ago. Today it's real bad. I'm pulling out gobs and gobs of it just by running my fingers through it. It's becoming addicting. I had a big ball put together. I finally threw it away. Now I'm trying to call the salon to make an appointment to get my wig fitted, but I'm having trouble getting through. Mike needs me to make that appointment so he can get started to the head shaving extravaganza. Yippee!
I was awake through the whole procedure. I told the nurses and doctor that I was fine if they wanted to put me completely out. I was not keen on the idea of being awake at all. They told me they would give me extra "good" stuff and I should fall right to sleep.
Before we got started they went through the normal questions. They asked me if I had a history of this and that and everything. Then the question of my last menstrual cycle came up. That has been the last thing on my mind for the past however long, so I did not know the answer to that question. It's either here or it's not and I'm not keeping track. All of a sudden everything went crazy. People were running around ordering pregnancy tests and trying to figure out what to do because their patient could be pregnant.
Mike and I then went into panic mode trying to remember. I finally got the dates figured out, so I sent him out of my little curtain enclosed room to find the nurse to tell him the good news. They decided to put lead down around my abdomen just in case anyway. They were going to be doing some x-rays and didn't want to take any chances. That's fine, but if I were pregnant, I'm sure the baby would have so many other issues going on right now.
So anyway, I got rolled to the operating room and they got started by introducing me to everyone that will be helping out. They were all very funny guys and kept joking with each other. That helped keep me calm. They cleaned my chest and covered my face up with one of those blue sheets, making me a "little window to the world", as the nurse said. They gave me some of the good stuff and the doctor got started. He started out by giving me shots to numb the skin, which hurt so badly. I started grabbing at the sheet, so they gave me more good stuff. Once they started cutting and everything they decided to give me another, and another, and another.
The nurses kept coming to ask me if I was okay. Each time a different face would come over to my window to look in. By the way, I had my head turned completely to the left so they could do a little something to my neck, so I was focusing on all the surgical supplies they had hanging on the wall. Each time someone would get in my face, they made me lose focus, so I finally started getting in on their conversation. One of the guys was a new daddy and was complaining about his baby being a momma's boy. I told him that wouldn't change for a while, and then there was more talking and joking.
The procedure took about 45 minutes. I was told by the nurse who wheeled me back, that the amount of whatever it was that they gave me should have knocked me out. Everyone was surprised that I didn't fall asleep (that's why they kept coming over to look at me). I guess it had a delayed reaction because as soon as we got home, I passed out. In fact, I ended up sleeping on the couch last night.
Now, the doctor who did the procedure told me that I shouldn't feel any pain after the fact. It shouldn't feel any worse than a bruise would feel. LIAR! Oh, it feels like I have been punched in the chest. I took some pain medicine that I had and that seemed to help... that is until I was looking for something with my one year old. I was behind him, kinda hovering, and he stood up, banging his head in my chest. Oh my gosh. I have never felt pain like that before. I almost fell to my knees. It hurt! Ever since then I've been afraid to move.
The incision has stitches that will dissolve on the inside, but the outside is glued together. If the glue starts looking like it is peeling away, I'm supposed to put super glue on it. Yep, super glue.
I'm happy that it, the port, really isn't noticeable. There will be a scar, but you can't tell there is something under the skin. I hope the nurses at the oncology place can see it well enough. I'm afraid to wear a bra because I'm not sure where the strap will hit. I don't want it to rub on the glue because Mike will be chasing after me with the super glue. I really don't need that.
Hmmmm... my hair started falling out a few days ago. Today it's real bad. I'm pulling out gobs and gobs of it just by running my fingers through it. It's becoming addicting. I had a big ball put together. I finally threw it away. Now I'm trying to call the salon to make an appointment to get my wig fitted, but I'm having trouble getting through. Mike needs me to make that appointment so he can get started to the head shaving extravaganza. Yippee!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
First Day Back
Today was my first day back to work. School starts in a few weeks, so in preparation of all the middle school kids running through the doors on the first day of school, I was there. It was so nice seeing everyone and I think only 3 people made me cry. It's amazing to me how much some people care. I love the group of people I work with. I can't say that enough.
You would not believe how exhausted I was was from just sitting in front of the computer. We did online training pretty much the majority of the day, and by the time 3:00 rolled around, I was about ready to pass out! Part of my problem was that I did not drink nearly enough liquid today. Just FYI, if you see me at school or just out and about, make sure I have some sort of liquid with me. Especially with the heat. I'm supposed to be drinking like 65oz or more of liquid a day. If I didn't make a trip to the local Sonic, I probably would have been passed out in the school hallway. Speaking of Sonic.... I also ordered a grilled chicken salad with low fat ranch dressing. They gave me the salad with the lid not completely on, and the ranch dressing they put in my bag had 25 grams of fat (not low fat). Just thought I would throw that in there... but they did make a mean iced tea.
Anyway, Mike met me at the house because we had to run out to Macy's to pick up a wedding gift for a friend. I had him drive because by the time I drove home, my energy level had made it to a negative zero. The tea was helping me, but not enough to keep focus. (I'm better now by the way. I filled my large Sonic cup up with water, so I was good to go as soon as we got to the mall.) We picked up a nice gift, and I hope I can make it to the wedding celebration this weekend. That is, if I'm not too out of it.
Tomorrow I have the surgery to get my port placed. Looking forward to it not at all. I tried not to do research on it, but I couldn't help myself. The Internet just calls my name. It's like, "Stephanie, I know something you don't know! If you want to know all the little secrets, come ask me". And I do. (If you can make that noise where you can blow with your tongue between your lips, that's the noise that should be inserted here.)
Anyway, they don't put you to sleep. It's called a "twilight" sleep... where you are awake... um... yep. So, they apparently want to talk to you as they are cutting you open and plugging something into the veins in your chest. I'm sure so much will be going through my mind that I will want to talk about! Just one more scar I guess. I'm not sure how long I have to keep it in, but I know it is going to be difficult to hide it under clothing. It comes with it I guess. I just don't understand how they can tell me no food or drink after midnight when the surgery isn't until 11:00 tomorrow morning. That should be loads of fun. I won't be cranky at all by that time.
Maybe I can keep myself from doing more research.... maybe....
You would not believe how exhausted I was was from just sitting in front of the computer. We did online training pretty much the majority of the day, and by the time 3:00 rolled around, I was about ready to pass out! Part of my problem was that I did not drink nearly enough liquid today. Just FYI, if you see me at school or just out and about, make sure I have some sort of liquid with me. Especially with the heat. I'm supposed to be drinking like 65oz or more of liquid a day. If I didn't make a trip to the local Sonic, I probably would have been passed out in the school hallway. Speaking of Sonic.... I also ordered a grilled chicken salad with low fat ranch dressing. They gave me the salad with the lid not completely on, and the ranch dressing they put in my bag had 25 grams of fat (not low fat). Just thought I would throw that in there... but they did make a mean iced tea.
Anyway, Mike met me at the house because we had to run out to Macy's to pick up a wedding gift for a friend. I had him drive because by the time I drove home, my energy level had made it to a negative zero. The tea was helping me, but not enough to keep focus. (I'm better now by the way. I filled my large Sonic cup up with water, so I was good to go as soon as we got to the mall.) We picked up a nice gift, and I hope I can make it to the wedding celebration this weekend. That is, if I'm not too out of it.
Tomorrow I have the surgery to get my port placed. Looking forward to it not at all. I tried not to do research on it, but I couldn't help myself. The Internet just calls my name. It's like, "Stephanie, I know something you don't know! If you want to know all the little secrets, come ask me". And I do. (If you can make that noise where you can blow with your tongue between your lips, that's the noise that should be inserted here.)
Anyway, they don't put you to sleep. It's called a "twilight" sleep... where you are awake... um... yep. So, they apparently want to talk to you as they are cutting you open and plugging something into the veins in your chest. I'm sure so much will be going through my mind that I will want to talk about! Just one more scar I guess. I'm not sure how long I have to keep it in, but I know it is going to be difficult to hide it under clothing. It comes with it I guess. I just don't understand how they can tell me no food or drink after midnight when the surgery isn't until 11:00 tomorrow morning. That should be loads of fun. I won't be cranky at all by that time.
Maybe I can keep myself from doing more research.... maybe....
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Fill 'er Up
I just got back from my first fill. I have those tissue expanders in right now, which I will have to fill up with saline every week for the next however many months. Let me tell you how scared to death I was. When I walked in the plastic surgeon's office, they said they were all ready for me. I didn't even get a chance to sit and relax for a second. I thought I was going to pee myself. I've said before and I will say again, the Internet is the devil. I read so many horror stories about what it was going to feel like and anything negative I could. I finally, before I went to bed last night, found a website that had nothing but positives to say. That put me to ease somewhat.
Anyway, the doctor asked that I close my eyes while he did it, and to be honest, the only reason I knew he did anything was because I had to hold a small piece of gauze to the area so he could do the other side and get the band aids ready. Why close my eyes. He said most women get very nervous when they see the syringe that he uses to do the fill. He says it tends to be more calming if your eyes are closed and you don't see what is being done.
He is starting out with 30 cc's at a time because it will be January/February before I will be able to have the actual implants placed. He doesn't see a reason to go too fast, if I can't do the "switch" for a while.
Do I notice a difference? Why yes I do! Just a small difference, but I think I look better in my tee shirt than I did first thing this morning. Now I am about two weeks late getting started, but that is fine. I would rather be healed I think... and I am.
This is the last day of my summer break. Maybe after next week I'll be able to wear some of my cute shirts. If not, that's fine... I can find something to wear.
Anyway, the doctor asked that I close my eyes while he did it, and to be honest, the only reason I knew he did anything was because I had to hold a small piece of gauze to the area so he could do the other side and get the band aids ready. Why close my eyes. He said most women get very nervous when they see the syringe that he uses to do the fill. He says it tends to be more calming if your eyes are closed and you don't see what is being done.
He is starting out with 30 cc's at a time because it will be January/February before I will be able to have the actual implants placed. He doesn't see a reason to go too fast, if I can't do the "switch" for a while.
Do I notice a difference? Why yes I do! Just a small difference, but I think I look better in my tee shirt than I did first thing this morning. Now I am about two weeks late getting started, but that is fine. I would rather be healed I think... and I am.
This is the last day of my summer break. Maybe after next week I'll be able to wear some of my cute shirts. If not, that's fine... I can find something to wear.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Randomness
Today is the first day that I have been home alone. Just put my feet up and looked at the clock... I had a doctor appointment this morning and dropped Mike off at work, and I have to go pick him up for lunch in a few minutes. I don't want to get up.
Anyway, my oldest went back to daycare this morning for the first time this summer. He was so excited to leave the house! He has been asking to go back to school for about a month, so he was ready to run out the door this morning.
I had a doctor appointment earlier with my oncologist. Just a check up to make sure my blood looks good and everything is doing well. I had a great report. Everything is awesome.
I really don't like going to that place. Everyone there is super sweet and all the patients are all happy, but I look around and always see that I am the youngest person there. It depresses me a little. I am embarrassed to admit that I do tear up. I always have one of those "why me" moments when I get there.
I've been told that I am lucky to have this so young. I somewhat disagree with that. If I were older, it would be a lot easier understood by two little kids. I know they are very confused. At the same time, it is good that I am young because my body is younger and could possibly bounce back better. I hope so anyway. There is still a slight possibility that the cancer could return later on, but we are not going to think about that right now.
One thing that has been weighing on my mind today, and I don't know why, is the question of a future child. I'm not at all looking to have another child any time too soon. Not with my 1 year old running around. He is evil. Not really. He is the cutest little thing you have ever seen, but man is he mean. The complete opposite of his brother. I could not imagine having another baby just like him.
The reason that I am even thinking about this is knowing that, due to chemo, there is a chance of going into early menopause. Now, I am doing 8 treatments (4 of two drugs together and 4 of one by itself) instead of 6 treatments. I was told by my doctor that there was a better chance of not going into menopause by doing this.... only a 50% chance. We were not planning on having another baby for another 5 or so years (if at all), but I've always wanted that as an option. As much as I don't want a little girl, I do want a little girl. Hmmmm....
I go back to work in a few days, so I'm trying to get my body back in the routine of getting up and at 'em. My body has been resting and relaxing for so long, that this will be a very difficult task. I go back to the school on Wednesday, but have my port placement on Thursday, so I'll miss a day because it's surgery and I will be out of it, but then the next week will be work, work, work!
Mike was looking at my hair today, and noted that it was looking a little thin. My hair has always been thin, and I think the way I chose to wear my ponytail may have made my part look a little different. He is so ready for my hair to start falling out. He went to Sally's over the weekend and bought a new pair of clippers just for me. He's waiting for me to give him the "Okay", and he is so excited. The salon where I bought my wig will shave my head and do all the adjusting of the wig and everything I need there in a back room. Shaving of the head is only $20, with everything else being free... You might as well tell my husband that they are charging $100 because he refuses to have me pay to have it done when he can do it for me. I think he is counting the days down. People say it takes 15 days... that is this Friday. I'm sure he will be trying to pull my hair out for me by this weekend just so he can say, "Hey, look! Your hair is falling out!!"
Welp, speaking of, Mike just called and told me he was going to lunch with a friend from work. I was supposed to drop him off at work and go shopping in the area, so I could be back at noon. Since I came home instead, he doesn't want me driving back and forth. I drove for the first time in about a month today, and I drove like a person who hasn't driven in a while. I am perfectly happy staying home. I just have to remember to pick him up from work. Good thing he only works 15 minutes from the house.
Sorry for the randomness of this blog. Everything is running through my head. I better go do my stretches. I'm going to need my right arm for writing on the board when school starts. If I don't do my stretches, that is going to be a pain (literally).
Anyway, my oldest went back to daycare this morning for the first time this summer. He was so excited to leave the house! He has been asking to go back to school for about a month, so he was ready to run out the door this morning.
I had a doctor appointment earlier with my oncologist. Just a check up to make sure my blood looks good and everything is doing well. I had a great report. Everything is awesome.
I really don't like going to that place. Everyone there is super sweet and all the patients are all happy, but I look around and always see that I am the youngest person there. It depresses me a little. I am embarrassed to admit that I do tear up. I always have one of those "why me" moments when I get there.
I've been told that I am lucky to have this so young. I somewhat disagree with that. If I were older, it would be a lot easier understood by two little kids. I know they are very confused. At the same time, it is good that I am young because my body is younger and could possibly bounce back better. I hope so anyway. There is still a slight possibility that the cancer could return later on, but we are not going to think about that right now.
One thing that has been weighing on my mind today, and I don't know why, is the question of a future child. I'm not at all looking to have another child any time too soon. Not with my 1 year old running around. He is evil. Not really. He is the cutest little thing you have ever seen, but man is he mean. The complete opposite of his brother. I could not imagine having another baby just like him.
The reason that I am even thinking about this is knowing that, due to chemo, there is a chance of going into early menopause. Now, I am doing 8 treatments (4 of two drugs together and 4 of one by itself) instead of 6 treatments. I was told by my doctor that there was a better chance of not going into menopause by doing this.... only a 50% chance. We were not planning on having another baby for another 5 or so years (if at all), but I've always wanted that as an option. As much as I don't want a little girl, I do want a little girl. Hmmmm....
I go back to work in a few days, so I'm trying to get my body back in the routine of getting up and at 'em. My body has been resting and relaxing for so long, that this will be a very difficult task. I go back to the school on Wednesday, but have my port placement on Thursday, so I'll miss a day because it's surgery and I will be out of it, but then the next week will be work, work, work!
Mike was looking at my hair today, and noted that it was looking a little thin. My hair has always been thin, and I think the way I chose to wear my ponytail may have made my part look a little different. He is so ready for my hair to start falling out. He went to Sally's over the weekend and bought a new pair of clippers just for me. He's waiting for me to give him the "Okay", and he is so excited. The salon where I bought my wig will shave my head and do all the adjusting of the wig and everything I need there in a back room. Shaving of the head is only $20, with everything else being free... You might as well tell my husband that they are charging $100 because he refuses to have me pay to have it done when he can do it for me. I think he is counting the days down. People say it takes 15 days... that is this Friday. I'm sure he will be trying to pull my hair out for me by this weekend just so he can say, "Hey, look! Your hair is falling out!!"
Welp, speaking of, Mike just called and told me he was going to lunch with a friend from work. I was supposed to drop him off at work and go shopping in the area, so I could be back at noon. Since I came home instead, he doesn't want me driving back and forth. I drove for the first time in about a month today, and I drove like a person who hasn't driven in a while. I am perfectly happy staying home. I just have to remember to pick him up from work. Good thing he only works 15 minutes from the house.
Sorry for the randomness of this blog. Everything is running through my head. I better go do my stretches. I'm going to need my right arm for writing on the board when school starts. If I don't do my stretches, that is going to be a pain (literally).
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Blahhhh...
That is pretty much how I have felt the past few days. Just blah. Someone asked me how I was feeling, and the only thing that I could compare this feeling to was being pregnant. You know, or even if you don't, I'm nauseous, tired, irritable, and I have a headache that wont go away. Every time I see the couch or my bed, I have to lie down and take a long nap, and just thinking about food makes me want to throw up. Do you know how many food commercials there are on during the day? Way too many!
I hate this feeling. It's the medicine I am on, I am pretty sure. It's also the fact that my 4 year old has been home with me for the past few days and, well, there is only so much of a 4 year old a person can take. I am not a stay at home mom for a reason. I love, love, love, my son, but when one does not feel well, reading Brown Bear every 10 minutes kinda wears on you a little.
Headaches are settling in pretty bad now. I am getting them quite often. I called the doctor to see what I could take to help them, but the nurse told me to double up on a medicine I am already taking. This is the medicine that I am afraid is making me so sleepy. So, that's hard.
I started doing some of my exercises because my chest is getting so tight. I'm afraid that once they start injecting the saline in my expanders, it's going to hurt!
I found out today that they should have already been expanding me. I didn't realize I was supposed to make that first call. I thought they were going to contact me. That's how I figured it was supposed to work out, so I'm a few weeks late getting "filled". I called them and scheduled my first two appointments with the plastic surgeon. By the way, when you are having anything done to your body, I highly suggest not reading anything on the Internet. That stupid thing has me scared to death! I read message board after message board, only to try to figure out how they are going to be doing this whole thing, and all I could read were horror stories. Yikes!!!! I've read everything from people's scars filling like they are ripping apart, to a rib busting.... the Internet is the devil!
I hate this feeling. It's the medicine I am on, I am pretty sure. It's also the fact that my 4 year old has been home with me for the past few days and, well, there is only so much of a 4 year old a person can take. I am not a stay at home mom for a reason. I love, love, love, my son, but when one does not feel well, reading Brown Bear every 10 minutes kinda wears on you a little.
Headaches are settling in pretty bad now. I am getting them quite often. I called the doctor to see what I could take to help them, but the nurse told me to double up on a medicine I am already taking. This is the medicine that I am afraid is making me so sleepy. So, that's hard.
I started doing some of my exercises because my chest is getting so tight. I'm afraid that once they start injecting the saline in my expanders, it's going to hurt!
I found out today that they should have already been expanding me. I didn't realize I was supposed to make that first call. I thought they were going to contact me. That's how I figured it was supposed to work out, so I'm a few weeks late getting "filled". I called them and scheduled my first two appointments with the plastic surgeon. By the way, when you are having anything done to your body, I highly suggest not reading anything on the Internet. That stupid thing has me scared to death! I read message board after message board, only to try to figure out how they are going to be doing this whole thing, and all I could read were horror stories. Yikes!!!! I've read everything from people's scars filling like they are ripping apart, to a rib busting.... the Internet is the devil!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Listen to your body
I think the one thing I have heard over and over again is "listen to your body". When you have cancer, have had major surgery, and are putting yourself and body through all kinds of garbage, you really do need to listen to it. "Listening" isn't just saying, "Oh, I'm tired, let me sit for a second and I will be good to go". No! It is take an hour or two long nap if you need it and don't worry about the world around you at all. Everything will be taken care of.
See, my problem is that I do have two small kids. I feel the need to be with them every second because I am a mommy and want to be the World's Best! This is so hard when you are sick. We all of a sudden can't do all our weekend activities like normal. Like, going to the mall just to window shop and look around the Disney Store, or go to Costco and/or Sam's to fight the crowds. It's hard all of a sudden... not only that, it is 107 degrees outside!
Well, we tried a late afternoon Costco trip yesterday. Did our normal round of shopping of the necessities (and other things we didn't really need), and I thought I did pretty well. I was very proud of myself. As long as I was moving and not standing still, I had energy and thought nothing was going to touch me. That is, until I started walking to the car (again in the 107 degree weather).
As soon as I was in the car, my body started yelling at me or something. All of a sudden pains I hadn't felt before came crashing on top of me and it wasn't quite time for my pain pills. I figured I would go home, sit down, and all would be grand.
Well, as soon as I got home, I passed clear out. I was awoken by my husband reminding me that we had plans to go to the circus. Although my body was still telling me not go move, I didn't listen. I had to be the best mom, and I had to get up and get ready. I mean, all I would be doing is sitting right? Right. The circus was awesome. My weakness wore off and I was laughing and enjoying myself just like any other day. And the best part of all was seeing an old friend that I haven't seen in ages. Thanks again Liz for the tickets :)
But man, when we got in the car, exhaustion really set in. I was ready to pass out! I think it was close to 10:00 when we made it home, I ate a not so great bean burrito from Taco Bell, then crashed in bed. I think I slept til after 1 this afternoon.
I did listen to my body today, and I feel much more refreshed. Still a little afraid to do my daily exercises, but we will work on that.
Tomorrow's plan is to go to Baylor Medical Center. They have a 2 hour class where they teach you how to apply makeup and do other beauty things that help after you loose your eye brows and eye lashes. They apparently give you all kinds of tips and freebies. Very excited! I love free stuff.
I am also glad that we did postpone our family trip. I can already tell that I would not at all be into seeing my favorite mouse at this early in the game.
I really am trying to be the best darn mom in the world, but it is hard. I think this is the one thing that is killing me the most. My body just wont allow me to do everything that I am used to. The good thing is that these two boys are so young that they may not remember the 5 months that Mommy couldn't do EVERYTHING that they are used to me doing. But, I think as long as I am listening to what I need, or not, to do I will be fine. We can only see, I can only do what I can do, and can thank my lucky stars that I have such an amazing husband, family, and friends that are making this hard, difficult journey a lot easier than it could be. Thank you!
See, my problem is that I do have two small kids. I feel the need to be with them every second because I am a mommy and want to be the World's Best! This is so hard when you are sick. We all of a sudden can't do all our weekend activities like normal. Like, going to the mall just to window shop and look around the Disney Store, or go to Costco and/or Sam's to fight the crowds. It's hard all of a sudden... not only that, it is 107 degrees outside!
Well, we tried a late afternoon Costco trip yesterday. Did our normal round of shopping of the necessities (and other things we didn't really need), and I thought I did pretty well. I was very proud of myself. As long as I was moving and not standing still, I had energy and thought nothing was going to touch me. That is, until I started walking to the car (again in the 107 degree weather).
As soon as I was in the car, my body started yelling at me or something. All of a sudden pains I hadn't felt before came crashing on top of me and it wasn't quite time for my pain pills. I figured I would go home, sit down, and all would be grand.
Well, as soon as I got home, I passed clear out. I was awoken by my husband reminding me that we had plans to go to the circus. Although my body was still telling me not go move, I didn't listen. I had to be the best mom, and I had to get up and get ready. I mean, all I would be doing is sitting right? Right. The circus was awesome. My weakness wore off and I was laughing and enjoying myself just like any other day. And the best part of all was seeing an old friend that I haven't seen in ages. Thanks again Liz for the tickets :)
But man, when we got in the car, exhaustion really set in. I was ready to pass out! I think it was close to 10:00 when we made it home, I ate a not so great bean burrito from Taco Bell, then crashed in bed. I think I slept til after 1 this afternoon.
I did listen to my body today, and I feel much more refreshed. Still a little afraid to do my daily exercises, but we will work on that.
Tomorrow's plan is to go to Baylor Medical Center. They have a 2 hour class where they teach you how to apply makeup and do other beauty things that help after you loose your eye brows and eye lashes. They apparently give you all kinds of tips and freebies. Very excited! I love free stuff.
I am also glad that we did postpone our family trip. I can already tell that I would not at all be into seeing my favorite mouse at this early in the game.
I really am trying to be the best darn mom in the world, but it is hard. I think this is the one thing that is killing me the most. My body just wont allow me to do everything that I am used to. The good thing is that these two boys are so young that they may not remember the 5 months that Mommy couldn't do EVERYTHING that they are used to me doing. But, I think as long as I am listening to what I need, or not, to do I will be fine. We can only see, I can only do what I can do, and can thank my lucky stars that I have such an amazing husband, family, and friends that are making this hard, difficult journey a lot easier than it could be. Thank you!
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Day After
Today was the first day after my first round of chemo. They told me, "However you are after your first round, that is what you can expect for the rest of the treatments." Well, I think i did great.
Mike woke me up early this morning to let me know he was taking the baby to daycare and our 4 year old to work with him for a few hours. I was a little confused because I thought it was Saturday. After a short disagreement, I realized I'm off a day and went back to sleep. I slept awesome. I rolled out of bed a little after 10, and got ready for the day.
I took a pill for nausea, and that helped me through the day. I was worried about the throwing up thing, but the medicine is pretty strong stuff. I have 3 others on top of what I had for the surgery, so it is hard to keep track. We have a put together a sheet to help us out on what medicine needs to be taken at what time. It works out pretty well.
This afternoon I went back to the doctor to get a shot. It helps with the white blood cells that I loose during chemo. It makes it possible for me to be out in public and all that. We ran a few other errands and even went to the Firewheel Mall to check out Old Navy ($2 cami's if you say Cami For Me).
We just got home a little bit ago and I am still a little sleepy. Maybe tomorrow will be a lazy day for everyone. For me anyway. We may make our weekly trip to Costco and Sam's, but besides that, I think we will be home... that is until the evening. We are going to the circus! I am excited. a friend of mine won 8 tickets, and was nice enough to offer us a few. It should be loads of fun, especially since I haven't seen my friend Liz since college.
So, all in all, the day after was not at all what I expected it to be. I am tired, but it's a great excuse to be lazy!
Mike woke me up early this morning to let me know he was taking the baby to daycare and our 4 year old to work with him for a few hours. I was a little confused because I thought it was Saturday. After a short disagreement, I realized I'm off a day and went back to sleep. I slept awesome. I rolled out of bed a little after 10, and got ready for the day.
I took a pill for nausea, and that helped me through the day. I was worried about the throwing up thing, but the medicine is pretty strong stuff. I have 3 others on top of what I had for the surgery, so it is hard to keep track. We have a put together a sheet to help us out on what medicine needs to be taken at what time. It works out pretty well.
This afternoon I went back to the doctor to get a shot. It helps with the white blood cells that I loose during chemo. It makes it possible for me to be out in public and all that. We ran a few other errands and even went to the Firewheel Mall to check out Old Navy ($2 cami's if you say Cami For Me).
We just got home a little bit ago and I am still a little sleepy. Maybe tomorrow will be a lazy day for everyone. For me anyway. We may make our weekly trip to Costco and Sam's, but besides that, I think we will be home... that is until the evening. We are going to the circus! I am excited. a friend of mine won 8 tickets, and was nice enough to offer us a few. It should be loads of fun, especially since I haven't seen my friend Liz since college.
So, all in all, the day after was not at all what I expected it to be. I am tired, but it's a great excuse to be lazy!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
First Round of Chemo
This morning I went in for my first round of chemo. I first had a quick ECHO and an office visit discussing the results of the scans I had a few days ago. No issues to report! Cancer, from what they could see from the bone scan and the CT scan, did not spread anywhere else in the body!
I think the only thing was that I did get a finger shaken at me was because I am not doing my exercises. I thought they were optional... not really, I'm just scared it is going to hurt stretching my arms out. The PA showed me the different excesses/stretches I am to be doing, so I guess I better start. No more using my surgery as a crutch. I know I still have to take things easy, but I can kick it up a notch.
Well, chemo was a breeze. They discussed everything with me again, and asked for questions, again. This is greatly appreciated, so I am not complaining, so please don't thing I am. Anyway, they sat me in a nice cushy recliner, gave me a remote, and fixed me up with a nice IV.
They first put in an anti nausea medicine, then a relaxant, and then two different chemo meds. I think we were there for a little over 2 hours. They kept me warm with blankets and I had a never ending supply of beverage.
Mike stayed with me, but I think he was bored out of his mind. I was watching Divorce Court and the Martha Stewart Show. I think all Mike did the whole time was play on his iPhone. I had some books I wanted to get started on, but because the IV was in my arm, when i moved it, well... there was a bit of a mess. Luckily, I get a port inserted in a few weeks, so I can move more and read without issue. I do have to go back tomorrow to get a shot to bring up my white blood count. That's one of the biggest fears, along with infection. So we are following the doctor's instructions to a tee.
I feel fine, with the exception of being very sleepy. I think I took a nice long nap. Mike took my 4 year old to get the breaks on his truck fixed, so the house was nice and quiet, but apparently I missed them coming home with the baby and eating dinner. I ate a little, but my tummy is not so happy, also, for some reason my surgery sites are a lot more tender than normal. Good thing I still have all that pain medicine! Oh, and I have the worst headache ever! The nurse said they game me a steroid, and that comes with it.
On two other notes... I am going to go check out the wig again tomorrow. They ordered it in a more red than blond, and I need to see which I love more! I am kinda excited about this.
And.... Disney is on! We were supposed to be leaving next Thursday. We go around the same time every year to celebrate our anniversary, and now the kids' birthdays. This trip has been paid for since April, so we were going. No questions. However, with chemo, heat, and dehydration it is not a good thing, so we were told not to go in August unless I was okay going to an out of state hospital... nope!
Well, the Disney folks were, after my travel agent working her butt off for weeks, got our vacation moved to November. The Oncologist said it would be great for me to get out and be "normal". So, it looks like we will be going the week before Thanksgiving. Chemo will almost be over and as long as I keep hand sanitizer and wipies with me, I will be good. I may even be okay riding most of the rides (as long as motion sickness doesn't bother me at that time). I am super excited! They will already have most of their Christmas stuff up and it will be nice and the weather cool. So happy! Well, that is if American Airlines will cooperate with us. So far, they are our issue. We just don't want to be out extra money by cancelling because we did not pay for that wonderful insurance they ask you to purchase. It's going to cost $500 per ticket (on top of the tickets we already purchased) to cancel. To move the dates, I don't think they charge much, but again, we are still dealing with them... Oh, and the airlines don't seem to be phased by doctor's notes, just FYI.
Oh... and in case you were wondering about Disney.. it was paid for long ago. I got a super awesome deal on this (40% off) and there were only specific dates that I could choose for. Since summer was out of the question. I had to choose dates that fell under the dates they had set aside. We could have canceled... again, the airline was going to charge us $1,500 (for all three tickets) to cancel. Now we can use our miles and actually get money back!
With doctor bills and a good chance I will be taking time off school, we will not be able to afford to be out any more money. The great thing about being a teacher is that insurance starts over in September... so deductibles and out of pocket expenses will be starting over as well :( I just hate thinking about it. Good thing there are 0% credit cards out there, right?
I think the only thing was that I did get a finger shaken at me was because I am not doing my exercises. I thought they were optional... not really, I'm just scared it is going to hurt stretching my arms out. The PA showed me the different excesses/stretches I am to be doing, so I guess I better start. No more using my surgery as a crutch. I know I still have to take things easy, but I can kick it up a notch.
Well, chemo was a breeze. They discussed everything with me again, and asked for questions, again. This is greatly appreciated, so I am not complaining, so please don't thing I am. Anyway, they sat me in a nice cushy recliner, gave me a remote, and fixed me up with a nice IV.
They first put in an anti nausea medicine, then a relaxant, and then two different chemo meds. I think we were there for a little over 2 hours. They kept me warm with blankets and I had a never ending supply of beverage.
Mike stayed with me, but I think he was bored out of his mind. I was watching Divorce Court and the Martha Stewart Show. I think all Mike did the whole time was play on his iPhone. I had some books I wanted to get started on, but because the IV was in my arm, when i moved it, well... there was a bit of a mess. Luckily, I get a port inserted in a few weeks, so I can move more and read without issue. I do have to go back tomorrow to get a shot to bring up my white blood count. That's one of the biggest fears, along with infection. So we are following the doctor's instructions to a tee.
I feel fine, with the exception of being very sleepy. I think I took a nice long nap. Mike took my 4 year old to get the breaks on his truck fixed, so the house was nice and quiet, but apparently I missed them coming home with the baby and eating dinner. I ate a little, but my tummy is not so happy, also, for some reason my surgery sites are a lot more tender than normal. Good thing I still have all that pain medicine! Oh, and I have the worst headache ever! The nurse said they game me a steroid, and that comes with it.
On two other notes... I am going to go check out the wig again tomorrow. They ordered it in a more red than blond, and I need to see which I love more! I am kinda excited about this.
And.... Disney is on! We were supposed to be leaving next Thursday. We go around the same time every year to celebrate our anniversary, and now the kids' birthdays. This trip has been paid for since April, so we were going. No questions. However, with chemo, heat, and dehydration it is not a good thing, so we were told not to go in August unless I was okay going to an out of state hospital... nope!
Well, the Disney folks were, after my travel agent working her butt off for weeks, got our vacation moved to November. The Oncologist said it would be great for me to get out and be "normal". So, it looks like we will be going the week before Thanksgiving. Chemo will almost be over and as long as I keep hand sanitizer and wipies with me, I will be good. I may even be okay riding most of the rides (as long as motion sickness doesn't bother me at that time). I am super excited! They will already have most of their Christmas stuff up and it will be nice and the weather cool. So happy! Well, that is if American Airlines will cooperate with us. So far, they are our issue. We just don't want to be out extra money by cancelling because we did not pay for that wonderful insurance they ask you to purchase. It's going to cost $500 per ticket (on top of the tickets we already purchased) to cancel. To move the dates, I don't think they charge much, but again, we are still dealing with them... Oh, and the airlines don't seem to be phased by doctor's notes, just FYI.
Oh... and in case you were wondering about Disney.. it was paid for long ago. I got a super awesome deal on this (40% off) and there were only specific dates that I could choose for. Since summer was out of the question. I had to choose dates that fell under the dates they had set aside. We could have canceled... again, the airline was going to charge us $1,500 (for all three tickets) to cancel. Now we can use our miles and actually get money back!
With doctor bills and a good chance I will be taking time off school, we will not be able to afford to be out any more money. The great thing about being a teacher is that insurance starts over in September... so deductibles and out of pocket expenses will be starting over as well :( I just hate thinking about it. Good thing there are 0% credit cards out there, right?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Chemo class
This morning, way too early for me, I went to a chemo class. This was basically an hour long video about what to expect. It was actually pretty informative. i had a few questions, and they were all answered, so I think I'm ready. I go in around 10 tomorrow morning. Trying to keep all the scary thoughts out of my head.
So, from what I understand is that I will be going in and i will be pampered. They have some cubicles with nice recliners, plasma TVs, and all the drinks you can handle. They have warm blankets galore and there will be a nurse by my side the entire time watching how I handle the drugs.
This is for sure something I didn't think I would have to deal with at this point in my life, but God wouldn't give me I couldn't handle. So.... until tomorrow...
So, from what I understand is that I will be going in and i will be pampered. They have some cubicles with nice recliners, plasma TVs, and all the drinks you can handle. They have warm blankets galore and there will be a nurse by my side the entire time watching how I handle the drugs.
This is for sure something I didn't think I would have to deal with at this point in my life, but God wouldn't give me I couldn't handle. So.... until tomorrow...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Most frustrating day ever....
I am the type of person who has a ton of patience. I normally let things roll off my back, no matter how frustrated I am. I don't like confrontation and I don't want people to feel bad. I think I get this from my dad, because if I was anything like my mom, heads would have been rolling on the floor today and I probably would have yelled at them for making a mess because of it.
The "them" I am speaking of are the folks at a particular hospital I went to this afternoon for my bone scan. I had never been there before, so I wasn't sure what quite to expect. I am a huge fan of one hospital in Plano...in fact, I love them! They are the absolute best. Well, today I wasn't sent there. I was sent to another hospital. I pretty much knew from the second I walked in, this was not going to be a fun trip.
Besides the fact that it took 15 minutes for the ladies at the registration desk to just acknowledge the fact that I was there, they informed me that I was going to have my port (the thing they use to insert the chemo without having to use an IV) inserted there on Friday. What? When was I going to be told that? When I explained there was no way I could have a surgery the day after chemo, she just gave me a smart little laugh and said, "Well, I guess you won't be having your chemo". Who the heck is she to be making that decision? Mike then called the oncologist who basically said the same thing I was thinking and had the surgery postponed a few weeks. This surgery was supposed to be happening tomorrow, but doing the first round of chemo via IV shouldn't be too bad... I hope.
So, on to radiology. My appointment was at 10:30, but I was told to be there 30 minutes early, I see why after the 15 minute wait to register. I went back to the room after a little bit to get injected with some radioactive IV stuff, and was sent on my way. I was told specifically to drink a lot of fluid and be back by 1:45. And we were off!
We made a stop at the mall where I ate a quick lunch. I had a water bottle with me. The water bottle holds 700 ml or 1 PT.,7.7 FL OZ. I drank the bottle of water, then filled it up twice with tea. Completely to the top! Plus I drank 1/2 a cup of tea that wouldn't fit in the bottle. I am no Math major, but I know that is a ton of fluid. I had to go to the bathroom twice before we left the mall.
Finally, it was time to get back to radiology. It was about 1:30, better to be early right? (By the way, I went to the bathroom 3 more times while waiting.) When 2:30 came around the ladies at the desk had to go remind them that we were there waiting. Finally.... I got my scan! Yeah! Time to leave, right... nope. The scan was fuzzy. I had to sit back in the waiting room for just a minute and they would be back to get me for a second scan. The lady questioned me 3 times if I drank enough fluid. I should have asked her if she took too long to get to me and the, whatever it was, wore off. I know it wasn't my fault.
So, my "just a minute" turned into 45 minutes!!!! I had a CT scan I had to do at the Oncologist's office and I had to pick my baby up from daycare. There was no way I could wait around much longer.
I was irritated and frustrated and started saying all kinds of stuff that the head radiologist overheard. Because Mike and I discussed writing a letter or putting bad remarks online, he tried to make us happy by giving us a few McDonald's gift certificates, Subway gift cards, and my 4 year old (who was with us the entire time) a smoothie and a cookie. Finally, I was sent back for a "quick" scan, then I was sent on my way.
I got to the Oncologist's office right before closing. They were waiting for me with my "cocktail" as they called it (just more radioactive stuff that tasted like sugar free Kool Aid). I had to apologize 100 times, but apparently they were used to it and assured me that it was no big deal. I had my CT scan with no issue. Quick and painless. On my way out, the place was closed, but I talked to the person who sets up appointments for surgeries. I let him know that I was not interested in ever going to that one particular hospital ever again. He had no problem with that and changed my surgery to the other, more friendly and organized hospital :)
So, after that whole ordeal, we made it to the daycare just in time to pick up the baby. We brought home a yummy dinner from one of the teachers which I was not hungry for because.... my belly was so full from all the fluid and toxins I gulped all day long. The one thing that made my day was coming home and seeing some gifts on my front porch. I received so many goodies and I love them all. Carrie, if you are reading this, you have absolutely no idea how you turned my day around!
I went all day with no muscle relaxer and no pain pills. I am sore, and now that my husband and kids ate all the food that we brought home, I am starving. I guess I need to go dig through the fridge...
What a day, what a day....
The "them" I am speaking of are the folks at a particular hospital I went to this afternoon for my bone scan. I had never been there before, so I wasn't sure what quite to expect. I am a huge fan of one hospital in Plano...in fact, I love them! They are the absolute best. Well, today I wasn't sent there. I was sent to another hospital. I pretty much knew from the second I walked in, this was not going to be a fun trip.
Besides the fact that it took 15 minutes for the ladies at the registration desk to just acknowledge the fact that I was there, they informed me that I was going to have my port (the thing they use to insert the chemo without having to use an IV) inserted there on Friday. What? When was I going to be told that? When I explained there was no way I could have a surgery the day after chemo, she just gave me a smart little laugh and said, "Well, I guess you won't be having your chemo". Who the heck is she to be making that decision? Mike then called the oncologist who basically said the same thing I was thinking and had the surgery postponed a few weeks. This surgery was supposed to be happening tomorrow, but doing the first round of chemo via IV shouldn't be too bad... I hope.
So, on to radiology. My appointment was at 10:30, but I was told to be there 30 minutes early, I see why after the 15 minute wait to register. I went back to the room after a little bit to get injected with some radioactive IV stuff, and was sent on my way. I was told specifically to drink a lot of fluid and be back by 1:45. And we were off!
We made a stop at the mall where I ate a quick lunch. I had a water bottle with me. The water bottle holds 700 ml or 1 PT.,7.7 FL OZ. I drank the bottle of water, then filled it up twice with tea. Completely to the top! Plus I drank 1/2 a cup of tea that wouldn't fit in the bottle. I am no Math major, but I know that is a ton of fluid. I had to go to the bathroom twice before we left the mall.
Finally, it was time to get back to radiology. It was about 1:30, better to be early right? (By the way, I went to the bathroom 3 more times while waiting.) When 2:30 came around the ladies at the desk had to go remind them that we were there waiting. Finally.... I got my scan! Yeah! Time to leave, right... nope. The scan was fuzzy. I had to sit back in the waiting room for just a minute and they would be back to get me for a second scan. The lady questioned me 3 times if I drank enough fluid. I should have asked her if she took too long to get to me and the, whatever it was, wore off. I know it wasn't my fault.
So, my "just a minute" turned into 45 minutes!!!! I had a CT scan I had to do at the Oncologist's office and I had to pick my baby up from daycare. There was no way I could wait around much longer.
I was irritated and frustrated and started saying all kinds of stuff that the head radiologist overheard. Because Mike and I discussed writing a letter or putting bad remarks online, he tried to make us happy by giving us a few McDonald's gift certificates, Subway gift cards, and my 4 year old (who was with us the entire time) a smoothie and a cookie. Finally, I was sent back for a "quick" scan, then I was sent on my way.
I got to the Oncologist's office right before closing. They were waiting for me with my "cocktail" as they called it (just more radioactive stuff that tasted like sugar free Kool Aid). I had to apologize 100 times, but apparently they were used to it and assured me that it was no big deal. I had my CT scan with no issue. Quick and painless. On my way out, the place was closed, but I talked to the person who sets up appointments for surgeries. I let him know that I was not interested in ever going to that one particular hospital ever again. He had no problem with that and changed my surgery to the other, more friendly and organized hospital :)
So, after that whole ordeal, we made it to the daycare just in time to pick up the baby. We brought home a yummy dinner from one of the teachers which I was not hungry for because.... my belly was so full from all the fluid and toxins I gulped all day long. The one thing that made my day was coming home and seeing some gifts on my front porch. I received so many goodies and I love them all. Carrie, if you are reading this, you have absolutely no idea how you turned my day around!
I went all day with no muscle relaxer and no pain pills. I am sore, and now that my husband and kids ate all the food that we brought home, I am starving. I guess I need to go dig through the fridge...
What a day, what a day....
Monday, July 26, 2010
Lazy Day
This has been the laziest day yet, without a doubt. My husband took my 4 year old to work with him again this morning, and I stayed in bed until almost 10 when they returned. I almost went straight to the couch to be even more lazy, but then, after trying to pull my hair back in a pony tail, I realized I hadn't taken a shower in days. I quickly took my shower, ever so carefully, and it was off to the couch... again. I slept and I slept, waking up just to change the channel on the TV and to take more medicine.
The past few days I have needed more pain medicine than usual and just today I have gone back to using an ice pack on my right arm. They took quite a few lymph nodes during surgery and I think it's starting to catch up with me.
The lymph nodes are these things that live in your arm pits. I hear the word over and over, but when explained, it's just a lot of foreign stuff I just don't understand. The only thing that I did understand was that they took out more than they wanted to, 17 to be exact, and 11 were positive for cancerous cells. That apparently is not good. The doctor said they like to see a smaller number, and frankly, I would have liked to have heard a smaller number. Oh... and I didn't tell you before... not only did I have one tumor, but two. One was a small round one and the other a long funny looking thing. Hmmm.... They did get everything, but again my right side hurts like no one's business.
Anyway, back to this being a lazy day.... I did get out again. Back to the wig store to make my decision, and we decided on one. They are ordering the one I like in a different color so I can look a little younger, so I am super excited about that. And we came home just so I could get back on the couch.... and fall asleep again.
I woke up, I ate, and now I'm waiting for bed time :)
I have a very busy day tomorrow. I have to go get a blood test, a bone scan, and a CT scan. This will take pretty much 8 hours out of my day. Yipppeee! From how I understand this, it's to make sure nothing spread to other parts of the body. They are pretty sure that did not happen, but they have to do it on everyone.
I don't want people to think I am ignorant on any of this cancer stuff. I ask 100's of questions at each visit, but these doctors tell you so much in terms you may not understand, and it's hard to remember EVERYTHING. I'm trying. I have books that I've been reading and the lovely Internet, but let's face it... when you have a disease, the Internet will do nothing but scare the hell out of you. I recommend going to Barns and Noble and read a book or two.
(sigh) Okay, time to lay back down!
The past few days I have needed more pain medicine than usual and just today I have gone back to using an ice pack on my right arm. They took quite a few lymph nodes during surgery and I think it's starting to catch up with me.
The lymph nodes are these things that live in your arm pits. I hear the word over and over, but when explained, it's just a lot of foreign stuff I just don't understand. The only thing that I did understand was that they took out more than they wanted to, 17 to be exact, and 11 were positive for cancerous cells. That apparently is not good. The doctor said they like to see a smaller number, and frankly, I would have liked to have heard a smaller number. Oh... and I didn't tell you before... not only did I have one tumor, but two. One was a small round one and the other a long funny looking thing. Hmmm.... They did get everything, but again my right side hurts like no one's business.
Anyway, back to this being a lazy day.... I did get out again. Back to the wig store to make my decision, and we decided on one. They are ordering the one I like in a different color so I can look a little younger, so I am super excited about that. And we came home just so I could get back on the couch.... and fall asleep again.
I woke up, I ate, and now I'm waiting for bed time :)
I have a very busy day tomorrow. I have to go get a blood test, a bone scan, and a CT scan. This will take pretty much 8 hours out of my day. Yipppeee! From how I understand this, it's to make sure nothing spread to other parts of the body. They are pretty sure that did not happen, but they have to do it on everyone.
I don't want people to think I am ignorant on any of this cancer stuff. I ask 100's of questions at each visit, but these doctors tell you so much in terms you may not understand, and it's hard to remember EVERYTHING. I'm trying. I have books that I've been reading and the lovely Internet, but let's face it... when you have a disease, the Internet will do nothing but scare the hell out of you. I recommend going to Barns and Noble and read a book or two.
(sigh) Okay, time to lay back down!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
First Blog...
Welp... this is my first blog... EVER! Not sure how it really works, but I am sure I can figure it out. I'm getting started doing this because I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and decided I needed a way to get all my thoughts and feelings out. You know, sometimes there are just things you can't say to people when you are speaking to them because, let's face it, it does get a little emotional.
So let's see... I can get into when and how I found out I have cancer, but that was like a month ago. Long story short, I was putting on lotion after a shower, felt a lump, and called the doctor a good two weeks later because it wasn't going away. Why two weeks? I'm 30! Who the heck is thinking to themselves they they are going to be getting cancer at 30?! Not me. Anyway, gyno thought it was a good idea to get it checked, so I had my first breast sonogram and mammogram in one day, followed by a biopsy the next... and within 2 weeks I had a bilateral mastectomy. Fun stuff. Good thing I am a teacher and this is summer, right?
Well, this is where I am now. I, from what my breast surgeon said, hold the record for getting my drainage tubes out the quickest (less than 1 week, thank you!), and now I'm just taking it easy. This is hard being that I do have a 4 year old and 1 one year old, but my husband has been great, and... we are so taken care of. Our wonderful daycare has brought us a feast every day for the past week and are helping with the baby. Our friends are great too. Company is always welcome! Everyone is so supportive, it really touches my heart.
This past Friday we made a trip to a wig store for the first time to get an idea of what I need to be looking into. I start chemo on Thursday, and once the hair starts falling out, I want to be ready. I found 2 I loved, so I am going back in tomorrow (Monday) to make final decisions. Pretty excited about that. Well, more excited about getting out of the house than anything else. I mean, I did the Costco thing yesterday, and was ready to get out of there within minutes. I don't know if it's all the medicine I am on from the surgery or just plain weakness, but it was awful. The wig place is better because I am sitting and being pampered. Who could ask for anything better?
Well, That is pretty much where I am at this moment. taking it easy and getting ready for what many consider the fight of my life. Am I ready? No, but we will just roll with it. I will stay as positive as positive can be, and I know I am not only fighting for myself, but for my boys. Hmmmm.... I guess that is about it for now. I could get into how this whole ordeal has made me postpone, or maybe even cancel my annual Disney World trip that we go on every summer, but we will not open that can of worms just yet :)
So let's see... I can get into when and how I found out I have cancer, but that was like a month ago. Long story short, I was putting on lotion after a shower, felt a lump, and called the doctor a good two weeks later because it wasn't going away. Why two weeks? I'm 30! Who the heck is thinking to themselves they they are going to be getting cancer at 30?! Not me. Anyway, gyno thought it was a good idea to get it checked, so I had my first breast sonogram and mammogram in one day, followed by a biopsy the next... and within 2 weeks I had a bilateral mastectomy. Fun stuff. Good thing I am a teacher and this is summer, right?
Well, this is where I am now. I, from what my breast surgeon said, hold the record for getting my drainage tubes out the quickest (less than 1 week, thank you!), and now I'm just taking it easy. This is hard being that I do have a 4 year old and 1 one year old, but my husband has been great, and... we are so taken care of. Our wonderful daycare has brought us a feast every day for the past week and are helping with the baby. Our friends are great too. Company is always welcome! Everyone is so supportive, it really touches my heart.
This past Friday we made a trip to a wig store for the first time to get an idea of what I need to be looking into. I start chemo on Thursday, and once the hair starts falling out, I want to be ready. I found 2 I loved, so I am going back in tomorrow (Monday) to make final decisions. Pretty excited about that. Well, more excited about getting out of the house than anything else. I mean, I did the Costco thing yesterday, and was ready to get out of there within minutes. I don't know if it's all the medicine I am on from the surgery or just plain weakness, but it was awful. The wig place is better because I am sitting and being pampered. Who could ask for anything better?
Well, That is pretty much where I am at this moment. taking it easy and getting ready for what many consider the fight of my life. Am I ready? No, but we will just roll with it. I will stay as positive as positive can be, and I know I am not only fighting for myself, but for my boys. Hmmmm.... I guess that is about it for now. I could get into how this whole ordeal has made me postpone, or maybe even cancel my annual Disney World trip that we go on every summer, but we will not open that can of worms just yet :)
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